i got butterflies

Saturday, October 18, 2008
October 18, 2008

Yesterday I could have stayed at work all night.

Which is weird. Usually on Friday's I'm ready to get out of there and get on with the weekend.

Not yesterday. It was quiet. All the bosses except for Billy were gone, Josh and Evan took off at 2:30 and it was just me and Baran in the office. I kept myself busy, had music turned on and was completely content. I finished working on the massive amount of submittals that needed to get out on Monday and sat down (finally) to work on some project files for one of my bosses. I honestly was going to stay there until I got all of it done...and I realized why. I didn't really have anything to go home to. No plans, no one waiting for me.

And in a way, it made me sad inside. I really started to loathe being single.

I love having time to myself. I don't mind being alone. But last night at work, I felt almost consumed with the fact that I was single.

I tried to figure out in my head who I could call to hang out with, but every one already had plans or they were doing something with their significant others. No place for this girl....at least that's what it felt like yesterday. Most of the time it hasn't bothered me - I've needed it, really. So now I'm wishing for him....wanting to be near him, to make plans with him, missing him, whoever he was.

GAH.

I went to Latin Cardio on Wednesday night. I know this is going to sound downright cheesy and lame, but when I sat down to put on my dancing shoes, I was a little overwhelmed. I sat there in the chair once I got them tied and closed my eyes. This is what I love...why in the world did I abandon it?


So, I sat there with my shoes on, looking at my feet, and started to feel the butterflies in my soul.

I rolled up at 6:30, thinking I still had 15 minutes to go before class started. I sat in my car and became overwhelmed again. I hadn't stepped foot into the Y in awhile....I hadn't seen the people I used to work with in many months, and I was wondering how weird it was going to be walking through those doors. Plus, the guy that I recently got out of a tumultuous relationship still worked there, and I wasn't really worried about seeing him, I was more worried about what everyone else knew.

If they knew what had happened. Really knew what he had done, and if they would look at me with pity for being such a fool....

I sucked it up and walked through the doors at 6:40. I was greeted by familiar faces, smiles, "KG!!!", and although the smile on my own face seemed a little forced to begin with, I warmed up pretty fast.

I heard the music from class and I could feel my heart starting to beat a little faster. I got caught up in conversation with my old boss and then rounded the corner into the gym.

I made my way across the floor to go to the locker room to drop my bags and got a lot of smiles and waves from members that I hadn't seen in a long time. I caught the eye of one of the guys I worked with and he grinned from ear to ear and waved. I noticed that class had already started, so I hurried to grab a towel and moved across to the gym floor, asking Frankie as I walked by what time class started. Apparently, they moved it back to 6:30, so I was already 15 minutes late. I found a spot relatively close to where I always stood (I'm told that I'm a creature of habit....it's true) and just started dancing.

Of course, the instructor was on the African portion of the class which is BY FAR the most taxing on the legs. The entire class is done on your toes anyway, but this section is alllllllllllll legs. I just jumped right in and started bouncing with the rest of the class.

I won't lie - right at first I felt like such an uncoordinated dork. I was worried because I didn't get to warm up and ease into it - and since I'd been out of it for so long, I knew I'd be BEGGING for a break right away.

True.

But about 2 minutes into it, I eased into the movements like I never left. And my legs were already burning, my feet were screaming, and every inch of my lower extremities were literally asking me to stop.

No way, not this girl.

I was excited after that set - he moved onto a new set that I'd never done before and was super psyched about it - My feet were literally about to fall off, but I kept pushing through it. He moved on to my all time favorite after that, Reggaeton, which is more hip hop and this girl LOVES that segment. I kept getting this super huge smile on my face as we moved through the class. A few of the guys from the teen center that I used to work in came out onto the floor (just like old times) and took their place beside me and started dancing once we got to Reggaeton. One of the guys came tearing across the floor screaming "KG!!!!!" and I got all excited and started jumping up and down like a little girl. HA! I'm a nerd. No big deal.

Once they came out on the floor with me, I totally let loose. There are so many parts of the class where you can ad-lib and move however you want, and I love to add my own style to certain parts of it, and so do these guys. People started yelling and laughing and I was smiling so big.....

HA. I'm getting all kinds of excited talking about it.

I was literally numb from the waist down at this point, but I didn't care. He threw in all kinds of new moves and everyone in the class was getting more and more rowdy and loud as it went on.

WHY did I ever leave?????

Class ended and I was sad. I wanted more. I hobbled off the floor and went to grab my stuff. I was making my way back to the locker room when I hear, "KG??????"

I turned around and saw a member who's little boy I used to coach during basketball sitting on the leg press.

I laughed and made my way over to him. He gave me a big hug and said, "I thought I recognized those dance moves....are you finally back?"

We stood and talked for awhile and got caught up. I made my way to the front of the wellness floor and the director grabbed ahold of me in a big hug and said she was so happy to see me back. We talked for awhile about things, when someone from behind me came up and threw their arms around me.

"KG! I thought that was you. I saw this girl walk in the front doors and make her way across the floor away from me, and I kept thinking to myself, 'that sure looks like KG...' I'd recognize that walk anywhere...."

I turned to see one of the other guys I worked with. At that moment, I felt like I really was missed.

So overall, returning to the place that I worked and invested a lot of my time and emotion in for so many years was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. It felt so good to see so many people, to hear the stories, to dance, to feel so happy, to catch up, to laugh, to feel like I never really left.....the memories that I thought were going to hurt me, really had no effect on me like I thought they would. Ghosts were there, for sure, but I'm beyond all of that. I'm bigger than that.

My heart has healed. And more than anything, in some weird way, I learned that walking back through those doors.

Frankie said to me, "You know, sometimes it's good to get away from it all and leave it for awhile. Sometimes you've just got to leave it all until you're ready to come back."

I was ready.

So, the next day at work, this girl was uber happy. Things felt right. I was doing what I loved....

On that note...

I CANNOT MOVE.

Seriously. My calves and my hips DO NOT work anymore. Done. Out of commission. I literally had to stand all day at work yesterday because sitting caused me to tighten up and I couldn't move if I did.

I didn't get made fun of at all either. (rolling eyes)

I seriously was moving around so slowly at some parts during the day - each step literally caused pain, but I LOVED it.

Certain types of pain are good. :)

HAHA, I was standing in the elevator waiting for Josh and Evan, and I was stretching out my hammies. I had one foot against the wall, and Evan comes RUNNING, literally, out of no where and just attacks the backs of my calves. He said, "Come on, gotta warm them up....WARM EM UP WARM EM UP...." I laughed for about 2 seconds, and then proceeded to almost vomit it hurt so bad.

They also thought it would be funny to push me whenever I was standing still for a second so I'd have to move to the side and scream.

Funny, lots.

LOTTTTT of growing up to do.

So, when I finally did leave work yesterday and I was driving home, I was thinking about a lot of things.

How I didn't want to be driving home. I wanted to turn the car right back around and go sit back in the office and laugh with the guys. How the way I smile and laugh is more genuine and real now a days than it has been in the past....how each of the guys I work with know just what to say and do to make me laugh. How my relationships and how I relate to each of them are different...

One is like my big brother, and I can have the best conversations with him about meaningful things - another guy has been with me from the very beginning - took me right under his wing and has taught me a lot about the job itself, is always looking out for me - and tells the best stories ever, one of the guys is like the little brother I never had - we fight and bicker constantly....seriously, constantly, and one of the guys can read me on a whole different level...where the other one's can't. It's been interesting to see these relationships develop, how when we are all together, it's hard to ignore the unique bond we have.

Hm, it's almost like I'm a psych major or something. That's weird.

I'm all about building relationships. When I get close to someone, I do my best to look at why it is I feel the way I do when I'm around that person, why and how they understand me...how we make each other smile, laugh, whatever.....I'm always looking beyond the surface...and I hold on to what I find there.

I'm weird. ;) Get over it.

The thing is.....I sometimes think these guys have no idea how emotional I really am. How at the end of this job, it is going to be HARD on this girl to walk away from them.

So hard. I tend to do that. Give it all I have, regardless. Love with all I got.

So, I get home last night, and I'm laying on my tummy with my legs bent up in the air and crossed at the ankles (think typical girl talking on the phone playing with her hair) watching the Office and cracking up, but feeling sorta down none the less, when my phone rings.

It's Josh. We talk for awhile and we laugh and laugh about things. I'm instructed to call Evan when we hang up, so I do. Then he and I laugh and laugh and laugh about things. And then Josh calls Evan. We're cute like that. Don't be jealous.

And I'm grateful for them.

For knowing when to call and make me laugh. :)

I'm taking a new class on Tuesday night. Of course it's another dance class. Pretty sure I'll write about it next week.....

Till then.