it all just stopped...

Thursday, August 28, 2008  
August 28, 2008 pt 2 

I was standing at the conference table, drawings spread out in front of me, making the appropriate notes at work today. I had my phone on the table – I needed some music while I worked, and I heard the message tone go off.

It was my roommate, who I haven't seen in about a month. I've known for a few months now that the lease would be up at the end of September, but at that time, there was an option to extend it if need be at the end of the month. So I grab my phone, thinking it was probably just a text from home, but it was the roommate telling me that the lease will end September 30th, and that was that. No extension. I stopped singing and I was like OH BOOOOOOOOOOO THUMBS DOWN. I mean, I've known for the last 5 months that I have one foot out the door anyway, but I've been waiting on a job to open up in Madison so I can move back there – and as I said earlier, nothing has opened up. I've been believing that if I keep stepping out in faith, God will meet me there. I was reminded of what I wrote earlier this morning – "Hold Fast"….and as I stood there with my phone in my hand, I tried to remind myself to just hold fast, help is on the way. 

Some days it's pretty easy to get discouraged, since I haven't heard back from anything. I flew home in July for an interview, truly trusting that this was the open door I'd been waiting for. But, after about a week, I got a call saying that I'd be better suited for a different department and they would keep me posted if anything opened up. Blow for blow, I've been trying to stay positive and trusting. 

Then it hit me a few mornings ago that maybe going back to Madison isn't part of the plan at all. That's what I want, but it may not be what God wants for me at all. I've had this….unsettled feeling in my heart and soul for quite some time now….that I'm not where I should be – physically. I love it here, I love the palm trees, I love the weather….but I'm ready to move on, go someplace else. I just have this kneejerk reaction to go home whenever I get unsettled – but this time, I've really made an attempt to get back there. And more times than not, I've wanted to just throw my stuff in the car and go, leave all the stuff behind that I don't need and just GO. And maybe it's fear that's keeping me from doing that. Maybe I'm not really stepping out in faith. I have a great job that pays really well and I have great benefits and a super bonus right around the corner, and I won't lie at all, I am a little afraid to give that up. And my daddy definitely doesn't want me doing anything without a job – and I trust his opinion lots.

So now I'm in the short rows, as he would say. I've got to make my mind up pretty quickly – I promised work I would give them 3 weeks notice if I was leaving so I could train the next person who was coming into my position, and now I have four weeks before the roof over my head is no more….

Tsk tsk. What to do….I'll admit, I have dragged my feet a little with this, but I was banking on having an extra 30 days at the end of September. Not so much….and I know I should have learned this by now….and maybe sometimes I trust too easily, but I want to have faith in others that when they say they will do something, they will come through with it.

Ah well. What's done is done. And now I gotta dig in deep and figure out what my next move is going to be…literally.

"Pile your troubles on God's shoulders— 
he'll carry your load, he'll help you out. 
He'll never let good people 
topple into ruin." Psalm 55:22