"...careful child, light the fuse and get away..."

It's been awhile.

So I went for a drive on Saturday.  I was restless.  And I just wanted to...go.  

I grabbed the dog collar off of the counter and figured if I was going to drive, I might as well make a drive that changed my life 7 years ago...

For the first half, I just went in silence.  No music. Just my thoughts.

I turned left on to Boy Scout Road, and I tried to get a picture of what I was seeing, but I missed the opportunity.

It went by too fast.

Huh.  Coincidence? I think not.

It looked like the road went on forever, and it was so pretty...the way the trees drooped over the road.  All you could see for awhile was a road with trees hugging it on either side.  It reminded me of home, of driving in the country.  Where there isn't anything but pavement and trees - nothing to distract you.

But it was over too soon.  

During the silence, I did a lot of considering.  Where I've been, where I'm going.  What I'm doing.  How I'm happy.  I considered my heart, searched it, questioning.  

I like to think that I was taking a drive to "clear my head" when really, I was filling it with all the thoughts that I hadn't taken the time to really think about - if that makes sense.  And my head is full.

I analyze EVERYTHING.  And sometimes it makes me weary.  

Like right now, I'm agitated because I don't think I am writing what I want to.  

Here it is.

Sometimes I think I can't be broken again. I don't see how it's possible to be shattered into a million pieces again.  And that's a good thing, I think. Because I feel healed.  And I'm not really afraid, just amazed.  Sometimes I think I have walls built up, only to find that there isn't anything there at all...just a heart that is waiting, willing.  It's almost like I just turned around to realize that I was here the whole time, it just had to happen at the right moment.  

So I think I'm just breathing....

  

...breaks your faith to pieces on the floor...

"Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can't make it come or go

But you are gone - not for good, but for now

Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good..."

This week started out with a few slender threads I'd rather not run with....

Loss.  Uncertainty.  Anxiety. Restlessness.

And it's only Tuesday.  

I feel like I've lived a month in the last few days.  I slept for about an hour on Sunday night.  Maybe 2 last night.  Delirium set in today around 2.  I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry...

And that's where I am right now.  I don't know if I should hang my head in my hands or just keep going...

One of my guys is leaving to go to a funeral.  A death in the family.  And I ache in my heart.  For so many reasons...

My sleeplessness has so much to do with this audit coming up at work next week.  It's not for certain that we will get audited.  It would be good if we did...we are a big job, and we do have the majority of the stuff they are going to be looking for.  But at the same time, I am worn OUT.  We had a mock audit back in August, and it was absolutely painful.  There was a hurricane at the same time, so the guys were gone trying to secure the site and I was left alone to make a feeble attempt at getting them what they wanted.  Pain.ful.  So now I am tossing and turning at night because my mind won't shut off because I am desperately trying to remember where everything is and what I need to do, and what I can't forget...

And even deeper in my heart is the uncertainty...the silence. The lack of connection. I just listened to "White Horse" by Taylor Swift, and I almost broke down and cried.  Almost.  But I think I'm too exhausted to.  I just. don't. know.  And it's hard.  And it's overshadowed by what's going on at work, and me losing sleep, and it hurts to even think about it...and I am trying so hard to stay positive and strong...  I keep replaying every word, and even when I try to stop it, I can't.  I'm searching for something that I did wrong, that I said wrong - and I'm coming up empty handed.  I just don't know.  There's always a reason, right?  I refuse to let go of hope...not until I get a solid reason to let go.

I'm uncomfortable....and that goes right back to searching for answers.  I know I'm not doing what I'm meant to be doing.  I love people, and I long to serve, to help others.  I want to make a difference.  And this....this is a stepping stone.  And I know that, and I am so grateful and blessed beyond measure to be where I am right now.  I'm just getting impatient.

do what you love...

Today is one of those days that remind me of why I love my job.  I woke up this morning not feeling 100%, but I refuse to give in.  I honestly think I could crawl right back into bed and sleep for about 12 hours and I'd be a-ok with that.

So we have this training at work this week over at our DO.  A few of the guys went yesterday, and a few more today.  Our little Evan is out of the office today, so we decided that it would only be appropriate to mess with his personal effects and items on and around his desk.  God love him, he is the sweetest kid ever...

Those of us who were left behind in the office gathered around his desk for a JCM (job coordination meeting - for those of you who do not work here at lovely OIA).  We called the meeting to order and started throwing ideas around.  "Let's remove some of his keys on his keyboard and switch them around."  Sounds good.  I said, "Can we liquid nail something to his desk?  How hilarious would that be next time he tries to staple something and it won't budge?"  We agreed to screw the stapler into the desk instead.  Check.  "Tape his mouse to his computer screen?"  Check.  "Take a wheel off of his chair so it will be an issue when he sits down?"  Check.  "Staple the arms of his jacket closed?"  Check.  "Blue tape his files all together?"  Check. "Fill his gloves with expanding foam?" Check. "Take a picture of his gloves and send it to  his phone while he is in training?"  Check check.

I received a text message shortly later which simply said, "Wtf?"

I replied, "What?"

He replied, "My gloves."

I said, "I know nothing."

He said, "BS."

I said, "Code of conduct.  You shouldn't be texting during training, Evan."

He said, "Not coming back to work."

Evan will be returning to work at approximately 1500 hours.
To be continued...