great big world out there

Tuesday, October 14, 2008
October 14, 2008

I miss fall.

The real fall. Where leaves change colors and fall off the trees and people burn their collected piles and the smell seems to permeate everywhere....

"Fall" in FL is my favorite time of year, down here....especially in the evenings. I'm sitting out on my back porch and there is such a wonderful breeze....it's almost putting me to sleep and it's only 6:24 p.m.

Although, in all honesty, I could probably go crawl into my bed right now and fall asleep and not wake until morning.


I'm realizing more and more what I long for. The other day when Kaitlin and I were having wine at Urban Flats, I began to realize what it is that truly makes me excited. We talked about family, jobs, school....how I got to be in FL, my divorce, why I stayed, etc. I didn't really become passionate about anything until we touched on a few things that I hold so dear in my heart.

Opening up that door brings inexplicable joy to my very being. I could even feel it rising in me, and the smile that reached my eyes told my feelings down to my soul.

As she and I explored different avenues of my life, of my dreams, I realized what I wanted to do in a perfect world.

I want to breathe.

Just be.

Even if it's just for a season.

I'd love nothing more than to just close my eyes and be somewhere else. Not because I don't love where I am or what I am doing, because I do. But for the longest time now, I've been feeling change on the tips of my heels. I get excited when I think about things coming to pass, about the dreams I have in my heart unfolding before my eyes.

I told Kaitlin that for a long time now, I've been feeling like I need to get to a place where I can be creative. Where I feel free enough to write. Not just blogging or journaling....my real passion lies in a good heart-bleeding-on-the-paper poem.

There are a lot of things I get excited about. I get excited at the thought of touching lives. Meeting new people. Traveling. Seeing places I've never seen before. Being stretched beyond my limit. Art. Music. I get excited when I think about doing these things with someone who shares the same passion. Not the exact same passion as me, but a passion that will fit with mine. A team. Working towards the same goal, together.

I was telling her that my heart jumps at the thought of waking up in the morning, grabbing my laptop and taking a walk to a coffee shop or bookstore or cafe and simply breathing.

Simply watch people. Watch life happen. Writing about it.

I went to downtown Orlando recently. I've been there many times before, but it's mainly been at night to go dancing on Wall Street. I was on a mission one morning to take some paperwork from our job to be noted and filed and who knows what else (I was just the courier....I didn't ask too many questions) at an office building in the heart of downtown.

My first debacle was trying to navigate my way from the Airport to this building amidst all kinds of road construction. I got to the exit I was supposed to take only to find myself rerouted to a completely different street and I had NO idea where I was.

GPS would have come in handy, but unfortunately, I didn't have my iPhone at the time.

Anyway, I started recalling some of the cross streets from late night's past and knew there was a parking garage close by. In the distance I saw the cross street that I needed to get to and found the garage about 6 blocks down. There was absolutely no parking on any of the side streets at that time of day, plus I really wanted to just park and walk. Good thing I wore comfortable heels that day....

I go park in the garage and start to venture out.

What a different place.....

There was this....almost palpable buzz emanating through the air; a charge of some sort. Energetic.

Everyone was walking. Guys in suits, ladies in dresses and skirts, briefcases and sunglasses and cell phones to their ears.

I'm a small town girl.

When we walk downtown in my hometown, we hold a cup of ice cream from Baskin Robbins or a burger from Hinkle's in one hand and stroll at a leisurely pace.

So this was new to me.

And I loved it. For the 6 blocks I had to walk, I absolutely loved it. The buildings were beautiful, the sounds of cars rolling past, people carrying on conversation...hustle and bustle all around.

I was quickly swept up in a sea of people - everyone working towards a common goal it seemed. The majority of the marathon walkers that I seemed to flow effortlessly with all looked to be heading to work, or an important meeting of sorts. There was the occasional jogger with a dog in tow (or vice versa), a few ladies out for their morning gab session, and...me.

The country girl who thought she only had eyes for fields of flowers and corn and an unmarred sky.

But that day I found myself in love with the busy downtown streets. The freedom of walking to get to where I needed to be instead of driving. All of the people. And strangely enough, I never felt out of place.

I was excited to be there. To navigate my way through streets that I wasn't familiar with...to get to where I needed to go. I kept looking up at the sky, at the buildings that seemed to go up forever...and I wondered for a minute what it would be like to live in the city.

I was impressed that I'd even have that thought.

Walking back to my car was even better. I knew where I was going this time. I had more of a sense of purpose than when I first set out. I knew what building I needed to turn right at to take me down the street to the garage. I walked with more confidence and matched stride once again with people moving in the same direction as me.

It was effortless. And it excited me.

Never in a million years would I have thought that.

So I'm beginning to realize what I long for. What I want to do. And I know that I'm getting there, one day at a time. I've let go of the worry and the wondering and the fear (for the most part)...and I'm just trying to be.

I know that when my time is done here, there will be no question about walking away. I've tried to leave here before, many times. But I've never felt good about walking away. Maybe it's just because I'm comfortable where I am right now. I'd like to think not. I'm not opposed to leaving FL. I just know I need something to go to.

I've got so much traveling I want to do. And soon. Very soon.