I just took all of the blogs from my old blog and threw em all in here....that's why it looks like I blew November up. :)
Happy reading...I'll be posting soon.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
they just fit
Monday, October 27, 2008
they just fit...
Have you ever put on a pair of jeans and felt like they were made only for you?
I got this new pair of jeans this weekend from some rando store in the mall. The thing that drew me to them were the back pockets. They've got this sweet design stitched on there and in the middle, it looks like a cross. I wasn't sure if I'd like them - I'm pretty picky about my jeans. They've got to be just right. And I honestly can't stand jean shopping. I've got to be in the right mood to do it. It's tough being short and finding jeans that are the right length....sometimes the short are too short and the regular are too long and GAH....there is no in between.
Anyway, I saw these jeans and I thought eh, why not....I'll give em a try. I grabbed a pretty sweet shirt and went and put them on.
Love. In the dressing room, I found love. It was literally like these jeans were made for my body. Per.fect.
I should have bought more than one pair. I'm entertaining the thought of going back and grabbing another style...
Isn't it funny how sometimes we find things that just fit? I have a feeling that when I find love....really find love, that it will just fit. In that moment, it will feel like he was made just for me.
So I'm sitting here at work, drinking my iced coffee (from home - yahhhhh, I'm trying to save cash) and loving my jeans today.
It's pretty quiet in here right now. I find joy in the silence, but at the same time, I miss the rowdiness of the guys when it gets quiet for too long. Pretty soon this quiet moment will be shattered by loud laughter and jokes and shenanigans.....
Ahhhh, it was super wonderful outside this morning. Only 49 degrees. I cannot wait for it to stay like that through the entire day. I miss getting chilled. Ha, I remember once last year in December, sitting here at my desk with my Indiana hoodie on, a hat, and my sleeves pulled down over my hands because it was so cold in the office. We don't have heat in here, so when it gets cold, it gets cold in here. I was trying to find gloves so I could cut the finger tips out of them to type....I shivered all day long. It was great. Perhaps it would be wise for me to buy a little space heater to sit on the corner of my desk......
I guess I better get to it....Monday = meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting....HOORAY! And then, Colts.
Happy girl....
It's the simple things, really...
they just fit...
Have you ever put on a pair of jeans and felt like they were made only for you?
I got this new pair of jeans this weekend from some rando store in the mall. The thing that drew me to them were the back pockets. They've got this sweet design stitched on there and in the middle, it looks like a cross. I wasn't sure if I'd like them - I'm pretty picky about my jeans. They've got to be just right. And I honestly can't stand jean shopping. I've got to be in the right mood to do it. It's tough being short and finding jeans that are the right length....sometimes the short are too short and the regular are too long and GAH....there is no in between.
Anyway, I saw these jeans and I thought eh, why not....I'll give em a try. I grabbed a pretty sweet shirt and went and put them on.
Love. In the dressing room, I found love. It was literally like these jeans were made for my body. Per.fect.
I should have bought more than one pair. I'm entertaining the thought of going back and grabbing another style...
Isn't it funny how sometimes we find things that just fit? I have a feeling that when I find love....really find love, that it will just fit. In that moment, it will feel like he was made just for me.
So I'm sitting here at work, drinking my iced coffee (from home - yahhhhh, I'm trying to save cash) and loving my jeans today.
It's pretty quiet in here right now. I find joy in the silence, but at the same time, I miss the rowdiness of the guys when it gets quiet for too long. Pretty soon this quiet moment will be shattered by loud laughter and jokes and shenanigans.....
Ahhhh, it was super wonderful outside this morning. Only 49 degrees. I cannot wait for it to stay like that through the entire day. I miss getting chilled. Ha, I remember once last year in December, sitting here at my desk with my Indiana hoodie on, a hat, and my sleeves pulled down over my hands because it was so cold in the office. We don't have heat in here, so when it gets cold, it gets cold in here. I was trying to find gloves so I could cut the finger tips out of them to type....I shivered all day long. It was great. Perhaps it would be wise for me to buy a little space heater to sit on the corner of my desk......
I guess I better get to it....Monday = meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting....HOORAY! And then, Colts.
Happy girl....
It's the simple things, really...
rando...
I'm sitting here at my desk in my room listening to Norah Jones...."Don't Know Why" is playing....
I.love.her.
When my HD crashed, I lost all of my Norah. I was sitting here tonight thinking that I wanted some chill music to listen to....and I longed for Norah.
I forgot how much I adore her.
There's a pretty sweet bar in Winter Garden called JR's Attic Door......they have live music and wine and appetizers....last time I was there, a girl was doing Norah covers.
I'd LOVE to see Norah. So chill.
When I was younger, I listened to pretty much just hip hop and pop and country (weird mix, I know)....and when I left home I started listening to a lot of folk, which opened the door to a lot of different genres. I remember working in the music store back home and hearing Norah and thinking GAH way too bland for me....
But I was at a different place in my life. And now when I hear Norah, all I want to do is sit back and relax.
Did I grow up at some point?
Perhaps.
:)
I miss writing poetry.
I've got to get to the place where I can let it out.
For whatever reason, I'm not there.
I want to be there.
But I'm not.
It's just not flowing as easily as it has in the past.
Ah well.
In due time, it will
In.due.time.
I.love.her.
When my HD crashed, I lost all of my Norah. I was sitting here tonight thinking that I wanted some chill music to listen to....and I longed for Norah.
I forgot how much I adore her.
There's a pretty sweet bar in Winter Garden called JR's Attic Door......they have live music and wine and appetizers....last time I was there, a girl was doing Norah covers.
I'd LOVE to see Norah. So chill.
When I was younger, I listened to pretty much just hip hop and pop and country (weird mix, I know)....and when I left home I started listening to a lot of folk, which opened the door to a lot of different genres. I remember working in the music store back home and hearing Norah and thinking GAH way too bland for me....
But I was at a different place in my life. And now when I hear Norah, all I want to do is sit back and relax.
Did I grow up at some point?
Perhaps.
:)
I miss writing poetry.
I've got to get to the place where I can let it out.
For whatever reason, I'm not there.
I want to be there.
But I'm not.
It's just not flowing as easily as it has in the past.
Ah well.
In due time, it will
In.due.time.
i got butterflies
Saturday, October 18, 2008
October 18, 2008
Yesterday I could have stayed at work all night.
Which is weird. Usually on Friday's I'm ready to get out of there and get on with the weekend.
Not yesterday. It was quiet. All the bosses except for Billy were gone, Josh and Evan took off at 2:30 and it was just me and Baran in the office. I kept myself busy, had music turned on and was completely content. I finished working on the massive amount of submittals that needed to get out on Monday and sat down (finally) to work on some project files for one of my bosses. I honestly was going to stay there until I got all of it done...and I realized why. I didn't really have anything to go home to. No plans, no one waiting for me.
And in a way, it made me sad inside. I really started to loathe being single.
I love having time to myself. I don't mind being alone. But last night at work, I felt almost consumed with the fact that I was single.
I tried to figure out in my head who I could call to hang out with, but every one already had plans or they were doing something with their significant others. No place for this girl....at least that's what it felt like yesterday. Most of the time it hasn't bothered me - I've needed it, really. So now I'm wishing for him....wanting to be near him, to make plans with him, missing him, whoever he was.
GAH.
I went to Latin Cardio on Wednesday night. I know this is going to sound downright cheesy and lame, but when I sat down to put on my dancing shoes, I was a little overwhelmed. I sat there in the chair once I got them tied and closed my eyes. This is what I love...why in the world did I abandon it?
So, I sat there with my shoes on, looking at my feet, and started to feel the butterflies in my soul.
I rolled up at 6:30, thinking I still had 15 minutes to go before class started. I sat in my car and became overwhelmed again. I hadn't stepped foot into the Y in awhile....I hadn't seen the people I used to work with in many months, and I was wondering how weird it was going to be walking through those doors. Plus, the guy that I recently got out of a tumultuous relationship still worked there, and I wasn't really worried about seeing him, I was more worried about what everyone else knew.
If they knew what had happened. Really knew what he had done, and if they would look at me with pity for being such a fool....
I sucked it up and walked through the doors at 6:40. I was greeted by familiar faces, smiles, "KG!!!", and although the smile on my own face seemed a little forced to begin with, I warmed up pretty fast.
I heard the music from class and I could feel my heart starting to beat a little faster. I got caught up in conversation with my old boss and then rounded the corner into the gym.
I made my way across the floor to go to the locker room to drop my bags and got a lot of smiles and waves from members that I hadn't seen in a long time. I caught the eye of one of the guys I worked with and he grinned from ear to ear and waved. I noticed that class had already started, so I hurried to grab a towel and moved across to the gym floor, asking Frankie as I walked by what time class started. Apparently, they moved it back to 6:30, so I was already 15 minutes late. I found a spot relatively close to where I always stood (I'm told that I'm a creature of habit....it's true) and just started dancing.
Of course, the instructor was on the African portion of the class which is BY FAR the most taxing on the legs. The entire class is done on your toes anyway, but this section is alllllllllllll legs. I just jumped right in and started bouncing with the rest of the class.
I won't lie - right at first I felt like such an uncoordinated dork. I was worried because I didn't get to warm up and ease into it - and since I'd been out of it for so long, I knew I'd be BEGGING for a break right away.
True.
But about 2 minutes into it, I eased into the movements like I never left. And my legs were already burning, my feet were screaming, and every inch of my lower extremities were literally asking me to stop.
No way, not this girl.
I was excited after that set - he moved onto a new set that I'd never done before and was super psyched about it - My feet were literally about to fall off, but I kept pushing through it. He moved on to my all time favorite after that, Reggaeton, which is more hip hop and this girl LOVES that segment. I kept getting this super huge smile on my face as we moved through the class. A few of the guys from the teen center that I used to work in came out onto the floor (just like old times) and took their place beside me and started dancing once we got to Reggaeton. One of the guys came tearing across the floor screaming "KG!!!!!" and I got all excited and started jumping up and down like a little girl. HA! I'm a nerd. No big deal.
Once they came out on the floor with me, I totally let loose. There are so many parts of the class where you can ad-lib and move however you want, and I love to add my own style to certain parts of it, and so do these guys. People started yelling and laughing and I was smiling so big.....
HA. I'm getting all kinds of excited talking about it.
I was literally numb from the waist down at this point, but I didn't care. He threw in all kinds of new moves and everyone in the class was getting more and more rowdy and loud as it went on.
WHY did I ever leave?????
Class ended and I was sad. I wanted more. I hobbled off the floor and went to grab my stuff. I was making my way back to the locker room when I hear, "KG??????"
I turned around and saw a member who's little boy I used to coach during basketball sitting on the leg press.
I laughed and made my way over to him. He gave me a big hug and said, "I thought I recognized those dance moves....are you finally back?"
We stood and talked for awhile and got caught up. I made my way to the front of the wellness floor and the director grabbed ahold of me in a big hug and said she was so happy to see me back. We talked for awhile about things, when someone from behind me came up and threw their arms around me.
"KG! I thought that was you. I saw this girl walk in the front doors and make her way across the floor away from me, and I kept thinking to myself, 'that sure looks like KG...' I'd recognize that walk anywhere...."
I turned to see one of the other guys I worked with. At that moment, I felt like I really was missed.
So overall, returning to the place that I worked and invested a lot of my time and emotion in for so many years was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. It felt so good to see so many people, to hear the stories, to dance, to feel so happy, to catch up, to laugh, to feel like I never really left.....the memories that I thought were going to hurt me, really had no effect on me like I thought they would. Ghosts were there, for sure, but I'm beyond all of that. I'm bigger than that.
My heart has healed. And more than anything, in some weird way, I learned that walking back through those doors.
Frankie said to me, "You know, sometimes it's good to get away from it all and leave it for awhile. Sometimes you've just got to leave it all until you're ready to come back."
I was ready.
So, the next day at work, this girl was uber happy. Things felt right. I was doing what I loved....
On that note...
I CANNOT MOVE.
Seriously. My calves and my hips DO NOT work anymore. Done. Out of commission. I literally had to stand all day at work yesterday because sitting caused me to tighten up and I couldn't move if I did.
I didn't get made fun of at all either. (rolling eyes)
I seriously was moving around so slowly at some parts during the day - each step literally caused pain, but I LOVED it.
Certain types of pain are good. :)
HAHA, I was standing in the elevator waiting for Josh and Evan, and I was stretching out my hammies. I had one foot against the wall, and Evan comes RUNNING, literally, out of no where and just attacks the backs of my calves. He said, "Come on, gotta warm them up....WARM EM UP WARM EM UP...." I laughed for about 2 seconds, and then proceeded to almost vomit it hurt so bad.
They also thought it would be funny to push me whenever I was standing still for a second so I'd have to move to the side and scream.
Funny, lots.
LOTTTTT of growing up to do.
So, when I finally did leave work yesterday and I was driving home, I was thinking about a lot of things.
How I didn't want to be driving home. I wanted to turn the car right back around and go sit back in the office and laugh with the guys. How the way I smile and laugh is more genuine and real now a days than it has been in the past....how each of the guys I work with know just what to say and do to make me laugh. How my relationships and how I relate to each of them are different...
One is like my big brother, and I can have the best conversations with him about meaningful things - another guy has been with me from the very beginning - took me right under his wing and has taught me a lot about the job itself, is always looking out for me - and tells the best stories ever, one of the guys is like the little brother I never had - we fight and bicker constantly....seriously, constantly, and one of the guys can read me on a whole different level...where the other one's can't. It's been interesting to see these relationships develop, how when we are all together, it's hard to ignore the unique bond we have.
Hm, it's almost like I'm a psych major or something. That's weird.
I'm all about building relationships. When I get close to someone, I do my best to look at why it is I feel the way I do when I'm around that person, why and how they understand me...how we make each other smile, laugh, whatever.....I'm always looking beyond the surface...and I hold on to what I find there.
I'm weird. ;) Get over it.
The thing is.....I sometimes think these guys have no idea how emotional I really am. How at the end of this job, it is going to be HARD on this girl to walk away from them.
So hard. I tend to do that. Give it all I have, regardless. Love with all I got.
So, I get home last night, and I'm laying on my tummy with my legs bent up in the air and crossed at the ankles (think typical girl talking on the phone playing with her hair) watching the Office and cracking up, but feeling sorta down none the less, when my phone rings.
It's Josh. We talk for awhile and we laugh and laugh about things. I'm instructed to call Evan when we hang up, so I do. Then he and I laugh and laugh and laugh about things. And then Josh calls Evan. We're cute like that. Don't be jealous.
And I'm grateful for them.
For knowing when to call and make me laugh. :)
I'm taking a new class on Tuesday night. Of course it's another dance class. Pretty sure I'll write about it next week.....
Till then.
October 18, 2008
Yesterday I could have stayed at work all night.
Which is weird. Usually on Friday's I'm ready to get out of there and get on with the weekend.
Not yesterday. It was quiet. All the bosses except for Billy were gone, Josh and Evan took off at 2:30 and it was just me and Baran in the office. I kept myself busy, had music turned on and was completely content. I finished working on the massive amount of submittals that needed to get out on Monday and sat down (finally) to work on some project files for one of my bosses. I honestly was going to stay there until I got all of it done...and I realized why. I didn't really have anything to go home to. No plans, no one waiting for me.
And in a way, it made me sad inside. I really started to loathe being single.
I love having time to myself. I don't mind being alone. But last night at work, I felt almost consumed with the fact that I was single.
I tried to figure out in my head who I could call to hang out with, but every one already had plans or they were doing something with their significant others. No place for this girl....at least that's what it felt like yesterday. Most of the time it hasn't bothered me - I've needed it, really. So now I'm wishing for him....wanting to be near him, to make plans with him, missing him, whoever he was.
GAH.
I went to Latin Cardio on Wednesday night. I know this is going to sound downright cheesy and lame, but when I sat down to put on my dancing shoes, I was a little overwhelmed. I sat there in the chair once I got them tied and closed my eyes. This is what I love...why in the world did I abandon it?
So, I sat there with my shoes on, looking at my feet, and started to feel the butterflies in my soul.
I rolled up at 6:30, thinking I still had 15 minutes to go before class started. I sat in my car and became overwhelmed again. I hadn't stepped foot into the Y in awhile....I hadn't seen the people I used to work with in many months, and I was wondering how weird it was going to be walking through those doors. Plus, the guy that I recently got out of a tumultuous relationship still worked there, and I wasn't really worried about seeing him, I was more worried about what everyone else knew.
If they knew what had happened. Really knew what he had done, and if they would look at me with pity for being such a fool....
I sucked it up and walked through the doors at 6:40. I was greeted by familiar faces, smiles, "KG!!!", and although the smile on my own face seemed a little forced to begin with, I warmed up pretty fast.
I heard the music from class and I could feel my heart starting to beat a little faster. I got caught up in conversation with my old boss and then rounded the corner into the gym.
I made my way across the floor to go to the locker room to drop my bags and got a lot of smiles and waves from members that I hadn't seen in a long time. I caught the eye of one of the guys I worked with and he grinned from ear to ear and waved. I noticed that class had already started, so I hurried to grab a towel and moved across to the gym floor, asking Frankie as I walked by what time class started. Apparently, they moved it back to 6:30, so I was already 15 minutes late. I found a spot relatively close to where I always stood (I'm told that I'm a creature of habit....it's true) and just started dancing.
Of course, the instructor was on the African portion of the class which is BY FAR the most taxing on the legs. The entire class is done on your toes anyway, but this section is alllllllllllll legs. I just jumped right in and started bouncing with the rest of the class.
I won't lie - right at first I felt like such an uncoordinated dork. I was worried because I didn't get to warm up and ease into it - and since I'd been out of it for so long, I knew I'd be BEGGING for a break right away.
True.
But about 2 minutes into it, I eased into the movements like I never left. And my legs were already burning, my feet were screaming, and every inch of my lower extremities were literally asking me to stop.
No way, not this girl.
I was excited after that set - he moved onto a new set that I'd never done before and was super psyched about it - My feet were literally about to fall off, but I kept pushing through it. He moved on to my all time favorite after that, Reggaeton, which is more hip hop and this girl LOVES that segment. I kept getting this super huge smile on my face as we moved through the class. A few of the guys from the teen center that I used to work in came out onto the floor (just like old times) and took their place beside me and started dancing once we got to Reggaeton. One of the guys came tearing across the floor screaming "KG!!!!!" and I got all excited and started jumping up and down like a little girl. HA! I'm a nerd. No big deal.
Once they came out on the floor with me, I totally let loose. There are so many parts of the class where you can ad-lib and move however you want, and I love to add my own style to certain parts of it, and so do these guys. People started yelling and laughing and I was smiling so big.....
HA. I'm getting all kinds of excited talking about it.
I was literally numb from the waist down at this point, but I didn't care. He threw in all kinds of new moves and everyone in the class was getting more and more rowdy and loud as it went on.
WHY did I ever leave?????
Class ended and I was sad. I wanted more. I hobbled off the floor and went to grab my stuff. I was making my way back to the locker room when I hear, "KG??????"
I turned around and saw a member who's little boy I used to coach during basketball sitting on the leg press.
I laughed and made my way over to him. He gave me a big hug and said, "I thought I recognized those dance moves....are you finally back?"
We stood and talked for awhile and got caught up. I made my way to the front of the wellness floor and the director grabbed ahold of me in a big hug and said she was so happy to see me back. We talked for awhile about things, when someone from behind me came up and threw their arms around me.
"KG! I thought that was you. I saw this girl walk in the front doors and make her way across the floor away from me, and I kept thinking to myself, 'that sure looks like KG...' I'd recognize that walk anywhere...."
I turned to see one of the other guys I worked with. At that moment, I felt like I really was missed.
So overall, returning to the place that I worked and invested a lot of my time and emotion in for so many years was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. It felt so good to see so many people, to hear the stories, to dance, to feel so happy, to catch up, to laugh, to feel like I never really left.....the memories that I thought were going to hurt me, really had no effect on me like I thought they would. Ghosts were there, for sure, but I'm beyond all of that. I'm bigger than that.
My heart has healed. And more than anything, in some weird way, I learned that walking back through those doors.
Frankie said to me, "You know, sometimes it's good to get away from it all and leave it for awhile. Sometimes you've just got to leave it all until you're ready to come back."
I was ready.
So, the next day at work, this girl was uber happy. Things felt right. I was doing what I loved....
On that note...
I CANNOT MOVE.
Seriously. My calves and my hips DO NOT work anymore. Done. Out of commission. I literally had to stand all day at work yesterday because sitting caused me to tighten up and I couldn't move if I did.
I didn't get made fun of at all either. (rolling eyes)
I seriously was moving around so slowly at some parts during the day - each step literally caused pain, but I LOVED it.
Certain types of pain are good. :)
HAHA, I was standing in the elevator waiting for Josh and Evan, and I was stretching out my hammies. I had one foot against the wall, and Evan comes RUNNING, literally, out of no where and just attacks the backs of my calves. He said, "Come on, gotta warm them up....WARM EM UP WARM EM UP...." I laughed for about 2 seconds, and then proceeded to almost vomit it hurt so bad.
They also thought it would be funny to push me whenever I was standing still for a second so I'd have to move to the side and scream.
Funny, lots.
LOTTTTT of growing up to do.
So, when I finally did leave work yesterday and I was driving home, I was thinking about a lot of things.
How I didn't want to be driving home. I wanted to turn the car right back around and go sit back in the office and laugh with the guys. How the way I smile and laugh is more genuine and real now a days than it has been in the past....how each of the guys I work with know just what to say and do to make me laugh. How my relationships and how I relate to each of them are different...
One is like my big brother, and I can have the best conversations with him about meaningful things - another guy has been with me from the very beginning - took me right under his wing and has taught me a lot about the job itself, is always looking out for me - and tells the best stories ever, one of the guys is like the little brother I never had - we fight and bicker constantly....seriously, constantly, and one of the guys can read me on a whole different level...where the other one's can't. It's been interesting to see these relationships develop, how when we are all together, it's hard to ignore the unique bond we have.
Hm, it's almost like I'm a psych major or something. That's weird.
I'm all about building relationships. When I get close to someone, I do my best to look at why it is I feel the way I do when I'm around that person, why and how they understand me...how we make each other smile, laugh, whatever.....I'm always looking beyond the surface...and I hold on to what I find there.
I'm weird. ;) Get over it.
The thing is.....I sometimes think these guys have no idea how emotional I really am. How at the end of this job, it is going to be HARD on this girl to walk away from them.
So hard. I tend to do that. Give it all I have, regardless. Love with all I got.
So, I get home last night, and I'm laying on my tummy with my legs bent up in the air and crossed at the ankles (think typical girl talking on the phone playing with her hair) watching the Office and cracking up, but feeling sorta down none the less, when my phone rings.
It's Josh. We talk for awhile and we laugh and laugh about things. I'm instructed to call Evan when we hang up, so I do. Then he and I laugh and laugh and laugh about things. And then Josh calls Evan. We're cute like that. Don't be jealous.
And I'm grateful for them.
For knowing when to call and make me laugh. :)
I'm taking a new class on Tuesday night. Of course it's another dance class. Pretty sure I'll write about it next week.....
Till then.
great big world out there
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
October 14, 2008
I miss fall.
The real fall. Where leaves change colors and fall off the trees and people burn their collected piles and the smell seems to permeate everywhere....
"Fall" in FL is my favorite time of year, down here....especially in the evenings. I'm sitting out on my back porch and there is such a wonderful breeze....it's almost putting me to sleep and it's only 6:24 p.m.
Although, in all honesty, I could probably go crawl into my bed right now and fall asleep and not wake until morning.
I'm realizing more and more what I long for. The other day when Kaitlin and I were having wine at Urban Flats, I began to realize what it is that truly makes me excited. We talked about family, jobs, school....how I got to be in FL, my divorce, why I stayed, etc. I didn't really become passionate about anything until we touched on a few things that I hold so dear in my heart.
Opening up that door brings inexplicable joy to my very being. I could even feel it rising in me, and the smile that reached my eyes told my feelings down to my soul.
As she and I explored different avenues of my life, of my dreams, I realized what I wanted to do in a perfect world.
I want to breathe.
Just be.
Even if it's just for a season.
I'd love nothing more than to just close my eyes and be somewhere else. Not because I don't love where I am or what I am doing, because I do. But for the longest time now, I've been feeling change on the tips of my heels. I get excited when I think about things coming to pass, about the dreams I have in my heart unfolding before my eyes.
I told Kaitlin that for a long time now, I've been feeling like I need to get to a place where I can be creative. Where I feel free enough to write. Not just blogging or journaling....my real passion lies in a good heart-bleeding-on-the-paper poem.
There are a lot of things I get excited about. I get excited at the thought of touching lives. Meeting new people. Traveling. Seeing places I've never seen before. Being stretched beyond my limit. Art. Music. I get excited when I think about doing these things with someone who shares the same passion. Not the exact same passion as me, but a passion that will fit with mine. A team. Working towards the same goal, together.
I was telling her that my heart jumps at the thought of waking up in the morning, grabbing my laptop and taking a walk to a coffee shop or bookstore or cafe and simply breathing.
Simply watch people. Watch life happen. Writing about it.
I went to downtown Orlando recently. I've been there many times before, but it's mainly been at night to go dancing on Wall Street. I was on a mission one morning to take some paperwork from our job to be noted and filed and who knows what else (I was just the courier....I didn't ask too many questions) at an office building in the heart of downtown.
My first debacle was trying to navigate my way from the Airport to this building amidst all kinds of road construction. I got to the exit I was supposed to take only to find myself rerouted to a completely different street and I had NO idea where I was.
GPS would have come in handy, but unfortunately, I didn't have my iPhone at the time.
Anyway, I started recalling some of the cross streets from late night's past and knew there was a parking garage close by. In the distance I saw the cross street that I needed to get to and found the garage about 6 blocks down. There was absolutely no parking on any of the side streets at that time of day, plus I really wanted to just park and walk. Good thing I wore comfortable heels that day....
I go park in the garage and start to venture out.
What a different place.....
There was this....almost palpable buzz emanating through the air; a charge of some sort. Energetic.
Everyone was walking. Guys in suits, ladies in dresses and skirts, briefcases and sunglasses and cell phones to their ears.
I'm a small town girl.
When we walk downtown in my hometown, we hold a cup of ice cream from Baskin Robbins or a burger from Hinkle's in one hand and stroll at a leisurely pace.
So this was new to me.
And I loved it. For the 6 blocks I had to walk, I absolutely loved it. The buildings were beautiful, the sounds of cars rolling past, people carrying on conversation...hustle and bustle all around.
I was quickly swept up in a sea of people - everyone working towards a common goal it seemed. The majority of the marathon walkers that I seemed to flow effortlessly with all looked to be heading to work, or an important meeting of sorts. There was the occasional jogger with a dog in tow (or vice versa), a few ladies out for their morning gab session, and...me.
The country girl who thought she only had eyes for fields of flowers and corn and an unmarred sky.
But that day I found myself in love with the busy downtown streets. The freedom of walking to get to where I needed to be instead of driving. All of the people. And strangely enough, I never felt out of place.
I was excited to be there. To navigate my way through streets that I wasn't familiar with...to get to where I needed to go. I kept looking up at the sky, at the buildings that seemed to go up forever...and I wondered for a minute what it would be like to live in the city.
I was impressed that I'd even have that thought.
Walking back to my car was even better. I knew where I was going this time. I had more of a sense of purpose than when I first set out. I knew what building I needed to turn right at to take me down the street to the garage. I walked with more confidence and matched stride once again with people moving in the same direction as me.
It was effortless. And it excited me.
Never in a million years would I have thought that.
So I'm beginning to realize what I long for. What I want to do. And I know that I'm getting there, one day at a time. I've let go of the worry and the wondering and the fear (for the most part)...and I'm just trying to be.
I know that when my time is done here, there will be no question about walking away. I've tried to leave here before, many times. But I've never felt good about walking away. Maybe it's just because I'm comfortable where I am right now. I'd like to think not. I'm not opposed to leaving FL. I just know I need something to go to.
I've got so much traveling I want to do. And soon. Very soon.
October 14, 2008
I miss fall.
The real fall. Where leaves change colors and fall off the trees and people burn their collected piles and the smell seems to permeate everywhere....
"Fall" in FL is my favorite time of year, down here....especially in the evenings. I'm sitting out on my back porch and there is such a wonderful breeze....it's almost putting me to sleep and it's only 6:24 p.m.
Although, in all honesty, I could probably go crawl into my bed right now and fall asleep and not wake until morning.
I'm realizing more and more what I long for. The other day when Kaitlin and I were having wine at Urban Flats, I began to realize what it is that truly makes me excited. We talked about family, jobs, school....how I got to be in FL, my divorce, why I stayed, etc. I didn't really become passionate about anything until we touched on a few things that I hold so dear in my heart.
Opening up that door brings inexplicable joy to my very being. I could even feel it rising in me, and the smile that reached my eyes told my feelings down to my soul.
As she and I explored different avenues of my life, of my dreams, I realized what I wanted to do in a perfect world.
I want to breathe.
Just be.
Even if it's just for a season.
I'd love nothing more than to just close my eyes and be somewhere else. Not because I don't love where I am or what I am doing, because I do. But for the longest time now, I've been feeling change on the tips of my heels. I get excited when I think about things coming to pass, about the dreams I have in my heart unfolding before my eyes.
I told Kaitlin that for a long time now, I've been feeling like I need to get to a place where I can be creative. Where I feel free enough to write. Not just blogging or journaling....my real passion lies in a good heart-bleeding-on-the-paper poem.
There are a lot of things I get excited about. I get excited at the thought of touching lives. Meeting new people. Traveling. Seeing places I've never seen before. Being stretched beyond my limit. Art. Music. I get excited when I think about doing these things with someone who shares the same passion. Not the exact same passion as me, but a passion that will fit with mine. A team. Working towards the same goal, together.
I was telling her that my heart jumps at the thought of waking up in the morning, grabbing my laptop and taking a walk to a coffee shop or bookstore or cafe and simply breathing.
Simply watch people. Watch life happen. Writing about it.
I went to downtown Orlando recently. I've been there many times before, but it's mainly been at night to go dancing on Wall Street. I was on a mission one morning to take some paperwork from our job to be noted and filed and who knows what else (I was just the courier....I didn't ask too many questions) at an office building in the heart of downtown.
My first debacle was trying to navigate my way from the Airport to this building amidst all kinds of road construction. I got to the exit I was supposed to take only to find myself rerouted to a completely different street and I had NO idea where I was.
GPS would have come in handy, but unfortunately, I didn't have my iPhone at the time.
Anyway, I started recalling some of the cross streets from late night's past and knew there was a parking garage close by. In the distance I saw the cross street that I needed to get to and found the garage about 6 blocks down. There was absolutely no parking on any of the side streets at that time of day, plus I really wanted to just park and walk. Good thing I wore comfortable heels that day....
I go park in the garage and start to venture out.
What a different place.....
There was this....almost palpable buzz emanating through the air; a charge of some sort. Energetic.
Everyone was walking. Guys in suits, ladies in dresses and skirts, briefcases and sunglasses and cell phones to their ears.
I'm a small town girl.
When we walk downtown in my hometown, we hold a cup of ice cream from Baskin Robbins or a burger from Hinkle's in one hand and stroll at a leisurely pace.
So this was new to me.
And I loved it. For the 6 blocks I had to walk, I absolutely loved it. The buildings were beautiful, the sounds of cars rolling past, people carrying on conversation...hustle and bustle all around.
I was quickly swept up in a sea of people - everyone working towards a common goal it seemed. The majority of the marathon walkers that I seemed to flow effortlessly with all looked to be heading to work, or an important meeting of sorts. There was the occasional jogger with a dog in tow (or vice versa), a few ladies out for their morning gab session, and...me.
The country girl who thought she only had eyes for fields of flowers and corn and an unmarred sky.
But that day I found myself in love with the busy downtown streets. The freedom of walking to get to where I needed to be instead of driving. All of the people. And strangely enough, I never felt out of place.
I was excited to be there. To navigate my way through streets that I wasn't familiar with...to get to where I needed to go. I kept looking up at the sky, at the buildings that seemed to go up forever...and I wondered for a minute what it would be like to live in the city.
I was impressed that I'd even have that thought.
Walking back to my car was even better. I knew where I was going this time. I had more of a sense of purpose than when I first set out. I knew what building I needed to turn right at to take me down the street to the garage. I walked with more confidence and matched stride once again with people moving in the same direction as me.
It was effortless. And it excited me.
Never in a million years would I have thought that.
So I'm beginning to realize what I long for. What I want to do. And I know that I'm getting there, one day at a time. I've let go of the worry and the wondering and the fear (for the most part)...and I'm just trying to be.
I know that when my time is done here, there will be no question about walking away. I've tried to leave here before, many times. But I've never felt good about walking away. Maybe it's just because I'm comfortable where I am right now. I'd like to think not. I'm not opposed to leaving FL. I just know I need something to go to.
I've got so much traveling I want to do. And soon. Very soon.
Did I really just do that?
Sunday, October 12, 2008
October 12, 2008
What a week.....WHAT a week.
Monday was a great day...thennnnnnnnnn it all went downhill from there. There was so much palpable tension in the office this week. There were a lot of little things and a few bigger ones that caused a lot of stress and tension to float around. And what was weird about that was even though it was mad tense more than it wasn't - I didn't mind it.
Wait.
I DID mind it, just because no one likes to be caught in a tense situation, but it just didn't effect me like it used to in the past. High five.
The rest of the week was pretty non-eventful - we were all busy walking around balancing on egg shells. Until Friday afternoon.
Early Friday morning Evan, Josh, and I went upstairs to go get an iced coffee from McDonald's. I really wanted to try one since I've never had one before.
Liesssssss.
Anyway, we are walking through the atrium, when we spot this young girl walking towards us. Perhaps 13 or so. She is wearing a pleated skirt and has on wild colored socks pulled up to her knees and a pair of pale pink crocs.
Evan says, "Wow, nice croc setup."
Wait.
WHAT?
I don't know what it was about that statement, but I could not stop laughing. All day. Even when I came home Friday night and told my roomie about it, I was laughing so hard I could hardly get the words out.
Prolly doesn't even seem remotely funny on here, but it was. Another one of those times where I wish I had a camera crew to follow us around.
And I am looking forward to going in to work tomorrow - it should be a pleasant week.
PS - I FINALLY rejoined the Y yesterday, so Latin Cardio ON for Wednesday.
WOO.
Let's talk about my day yesterday.
I got up yesterday morning with every intention in the world to go shopping. So I did. I asked Kaitlin (tha roomie) if she wanted to come with, but she wanted to get some things taken care of at home.
Bout 11:30 I got a text from her asking if I wanted to meet her for lunch and or wine. Of course I oblige - after power shopping, this girl needed a bite to eat and a glass of wine would be jusssst fine, too.
So, we meet in the parking lot at Target and I drive us over to Urban Flats.
Yah, um....we stayed there for 2 hours. We talked about lots of things.....and it was super fun and good. Then, we get the swell idea to go next door to the Peterbrooke chocolate store.
Let me back up.
Earlier that morning, I threw on a pair of jeans and a loose fitting white top, had my hair all twisted back and a mess, ready to tackle the shopping bidness that this girl needed to get done.
I don't do well with white.
Fast forward.
We go next door to Peterbrooke. Kaitlin and I are all giggly and happy and whatnot, and she goes to get a scoop of this amazing mocha gelato. I am perusing the shelves and grab a small bag of dark chocolate covered graham crackers (OH MY SO GOOD) and go to the front to pay. We leave.
The lady behind the counter is nice enough to give us 2 spoons so we can walk and share the gelato and talk all at the same time. We go outside. I throw on the Aviators, and start fishing around in my purse for my keys, which I had just taken out of the purse at Urban Flats so I wouldn't be caught unprepared as I approached Vivica the Civica.
Hhhmmm, that's weird, I can't find my keys.
Kaitlin and I decide that I must have left them in Urban Flats on the table. We go back in there and look at the table and there are no keys.
Hhhhmmm, must have left them at Peterbrooke.
We pause outside to eat some more gelato, because DUH, that is way more important than the keys at this point. I take off the aviators and put them on the neck of my shirt and notice that I apparently had a hole in my mouth because there was a drop of gelato the size of a small softball on my top.
We laugh and laugh and laugh at my inability to multi task. We then go back into Peterbrooke and I am looking for my keys.....no dice. We decide to get another scoop of gelato because that is more important than finding Vivi's keys.
So we go back outside, again, and back to the car, again, and I go through all of the stuff in my purse.
No dice.
Kaitlin goes through her purse - perhaps she grabbed them and took them from me, as any good friend would do.
Nope.
So, back to Urban Flats.
Yep, no keys.
Back to Peterbrooke.
By now, they've got to think we are crazy.
I think so.
Kaitlin goes to look at things again, and so do I, since it's been SO long since we've been in the store....
And then I spot them. OF COURSE I'd leave them on top of the mint chocolate covered oreo display....
I mean really, where else would they be?
"TADA!" I exclaim. We laugh back to the car. And in the car. And on the drive into Winter Garden.
Totally legit place to lose my keys.
We go to Barnes and Noble for awhile, then I go to rejoin the Y - gelato stain and all.
I'm so hot.
Seriously.
Ravishing.
Back home I go, and Kaitlin and I decide to hang at home, open a bottle of wine, and prepare for the Gator game.
WOW. I'm pretty sure we laughed allllllllll night.
ALL night. It was fun. :D
And I made a huge pot of homemade chili MMMMMHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMM.
I like to pretend that it's cold in FL sometimes.
Now I'm preparing for a pretty sweet week of shenanigans with my boys.
;) happy girl......
October 12, 2008
What a week.....WHAT a week.
Monday was a great day...thennnnnnnnnn it all went downhill from there. There was so much palpable tension in the office this week. There were a lot of little things and a few bigger ones that caused a lot of stress and tension to float around. And what was weird about that was even though it was mad tense more than it wasn't - I didn't mind it.
Wait.
I DID mind it, just because no one likes to be caught in a tense situation, but it just didn't effect me like it used to in the past. High five.
The rest of the week was pretty non-eventful - we were all busy walking around balancing on egg shells. Until Friday afternoon.
Early Friday morning Evan, Josh, and I went upstairs to go get an iced coffee from McDonald's. I really wanted to try one since I've never had one before.
Liesssssss.
Anyway, we are walking through the atrium, when we spot this young girl walking towards us. Perhaps 13 or so. She is wearing a pleated skirt and has on wild colored socks pulled up to her knees and a pair of pale pink crocs.
Evan says, "Wow, nice croc setup."
Wait.
WHAT?
I don't know what it was about that statement, but I could not stop laughing. All day. Even when I came home Friday night and told my roomie about it, I was laughing so hard I could hardly get the words out.
Prolly doesn't even seem remotely funny on here, but it was. Another one of those times where I wish I had a camera crew to follow us around.
And I am looking forward to going in to work tomorrow - it should be a pleasant week.
PS - I FINALLY rejoined the Y yesterday, so Latin Cardio ON for Wednesday.
WOO.
Let's talk about my day yesterday.
I got up yesterday morning with every intention in the world to go shopping. So I did. I asked Kaitlin (tha roomie) if she wanted to come with, but she wanted to get some things taken care of at home.
Bout 11:30 I got a text from her asking if I wanted to meet her for lunch and or wine. Of course I oblige - after power shopping, this girl needed a bite to eat and a glass of wine would be jusssst fine, too.
So, we meet in the parking lot at Target and I drive us over to Urban Flats.
Yah, um....we stayed there for 2 hours. We talked about lots of things.....and it was super fun and good. Then, we get the swell idea to go next door to the Peterbrooke chocolate store.
Let me back up.
Earlier that morning, I threw on a pair of jeans and a loose fitting white top, had my hair all twisted back and a mess, ready to tackle the shopping bidness that this girl needed to get done.
I don't do well with white.
Fast forward.
We go next door to Peterbrooke. Kaitlin and I are all giggly and happy and whatnot, and she goes to get a scoop of this amazing mocha gelato. I am perusing the shelves and grab a small bag of dark chocolate covered graham crackers (OH MY SO GOOD) and go to the front to pay. We leave.
The lady behind the counter is nice enough to give us 2 spoons so we can walk and share the gelato and talk all at the same time. We go outside. I throw on the Aviators, and start fishing around in my purse for my keys, which I had just taken out of the purse at Urban Flats so I wouldn't be caught unprepared as I approached Vivica the Civica.
Hhhmmm, that's weird, I can't find my keys.
Kaitlin and I decide that I must have left them in Urban Flats on the table. We go back in there and look at the table and there are no keys.
Hhhhmmm, must have left them at Peterbrooke.
We pause outside to eat some more gelato, because DUH, that is way more important than the keys at this point. I take off the aviators and put them on the neck of my shirt and notice that I apparently had a hole in my mouth because there was a drop of gelato the size of a small softball on my top.
We laugh and laugh and laugh at my inability to multi task. We then go back into Peterbrooke and I am looking for my keys.....no dice. We decide to get another scoop of gelato because that is more important than finding Vivi's keys.
So we go back outside, again, and back to the car, again, and I go through all of the stuff in my purse.
No dice.
Kaitlin goes through her purse - perhaps she grabbed them and took them from me, as any good friend would do.
Nope.
So, back to Urban Flats.
Yep, no keys.
Back to Peterbrooke.
By now, they've got to think we are crazy.
I think so.
Kaitlin goes to look at things again, and so do I, since it's been SO long since we've been in the store....
And then I spot them. OF COURSE I'd leave them on top of the mint chocolate covered oreo display....
I mean really, where else would they be?
"TADA!" I exclaim. We laugh back to the car. And in the car. And on the drive into Winter Garden.
Totally legit place to lose my keys.
We go to Barnes and Noble for awhile, then I go to rejoin the Y - gelato stain and all.
I'm so hot.
Seriously.
Ravishing.
Back home I go, and Kaitlin and I decide to hang at home, open a bottle of wine, and prepare for the Gator game.
WOW. I'm pretty sure we laughed allllllllll night.
ALL night. It was fun. :D
And I made a huge pot of homemade chili MMMMMHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMM.
I like to pretend that it's cold in FL sometimes.
Now I'm preparing for a pretty sweet week of shenanigans with my boys.
;) happy girl......
Monday Monday...so good to me....
Monday, October 06, 2008
October 6, 2008
So, Monday.
Today was actually a really good Monday.
I'm driving along to work, playing some tunes to get me pumped up and ready for the day. I go around one of the turns and am just about to go through the second toll before work when I get behind this freakin sloooooooooooowwwww tanker. I look in my rear view and notice headlights are on my tail, ferociously. I see the SUV pull off to the left of me, and I'm like wait....that looks like...
NO.....
TAYLOR!!!!!!
HOORAY!!!!!
I drive up the corkscrew to park and TADA! There is young Taylor parking beside me like the ol days....
We walk in to work together and it was almost like he never left. Almost...
We get into the office and I do my normal thing. He's not really sure where he is supposed to be - whether he should be there or at the district, so he sits down and checks his emails.
I do the same. Then this yellow ball comes flying in front of my desk and I hear, "I'm BAAAAACCCKKKK...."
And so it begins.
A little later that morning, Josh strolls in. He doesn't know that Taylor is there, and Josh and I engage in a deep conversation about P90X. In true Taylor fashion, he slowly rises out of his chair and peeks over his little cubicle and Josh exclaims, "LA LA LALALA!" So Taylor comes out to talk to us. It was like old times, but not....
So Josh looks at me, then at Taylor, and says, "DUDE, this is the 19 job, you're in the wrong office. Go over to the 409 job where you belong."
Taylor chuckles and says, "I know...our office isn't available just yet."
I say, "Isn't it weird...him sitting there?"
"No, not really.....yahhhhhhhhhh a little weird," Josh says.
"I just took a 3 week vacation, no big deal," Taylor interjects.
We proceeded to ask him if he could take off for 3 more weeks because it really only seemed like one.
I couldn't believe he had been gone that long already.
So while it was AMAZING to have him back, it was also weird. And I don't really know why. I guess because we all knew that he wasn't with US anymore, with our team...
And it probably really won't be the same again.
It was nice to hear his voice in the office this morning. I found myself smiling and laughing a lot while he was around - it was comfortable. Then he packed up his man bag and took off about an hour later to go to the District to meet with his team.
All too short.
Always is. Just a little teaser today. The guys are supposed to be moving their stuff out this week, to the office across from ours. That's when the fun will begin. PCL is pretty much taking over the Bunker.
As it should be. :)
So I got to leave work early today, which is good and bad. We had Quest training tonight - so half our team went to learn about backcharges. MMMMM. Fun. Lots. But, we had to leave work at 3:30 to get there in time, so this girl is going to sack up and roll in to work tomorrow morning around 6. UGH.
Should be LOTS of fun. Hopefully I can play catch up for an hour or 2 before the guys start raining on me.
Good day, this Monday was. Goooooood day.
October 6, 2008
So, Monday.
Today was actually a really good Monday.
I'm driving along to work, playing some tunes to get me pumped up and ready for the day. I go around one of the turns and am just about to go through the second toll before work when I get behind this freakin sloooooooooooowwwww tanker. I look in my rear view and notice headlights are on my tail, ferociously. I see the SUV pull off to the left of me, and I'm like wait....that looks like...
NO.....
TAYLOR!!!!!!
HOORAY!!!!!
I drive up the corkscrew to park and TADA! There is young Taylor parking beside me like the ol days....
We walk in to work together and it was almost like he never left. Almost...
We get into the office and I do my normal thing. He's not really sure where he is supposed to be - whether he should be there or at the district, so he sits down and checks his emails.
I do the same. Then this yellow ball comes flying in front of my desk and I hear, "I'm BAAAAACCCKKKK...."
And so it begins.
A little later that morning, Josh strolls in. He doesn't know that Taylor is there, and Josh and I engage in a deep conversation about P90X. In true Taylor fashion, he slowly rises out of his chair and peeks over his little cubicle and Josh exclaims, "LA LA LALALA!" So Taylor comes out to talk to us. It was like old times, but not....
So Josh looks at me, then at Taylor, and says, "DUDE, this is the 19 job, you're in the wrong office. Go over to the 409 job where you belong."
Taylor chuckles and says, "I know...our office isn't available just yet."
I say, "Isn't it weird...him sitting there?"
"No, not really.....yahhhhhhhhhh a little weird," Josh says.
"I just took a 3 week vacation, no big deal," Taylor interjects.
We proceeded to ask him if he could take off for 3 more weeks because it really only seemed like one.
I couldn't believe he had been gone that long already.
So while it was AMAZING to have him back, it was also weird. And I don't really know why. I guess because we all knew that he wasn't with US anymore, with our team...
And it probably really won't be the same again.
It was nice to hear his voice in the office this morning. I found myself smiling and laughing a lot while he was around - it was comfortable. Then he packed up his man bag and took off about an hour later to go to the District to meet with his team.
All too short.
Always is. Just a little teaser today. The guys are supposed to be moving their stuff out this week, to the office across from ours. That's when the fun will begin. PCL is pretty much taking over the Bunker.
As it should be. :)
So I got to leave work early today, which is good and bad. We had Quest training tonight - so half our team went to learn about backcharges. MMMMM. Fun. Lots. But, we had to leave work at 3:30 to get there in time, so this girl is going to sack up and roll in to work tomorrow morning around 6. UGH.
Should be LOTS of fun. Hopefully I can play catch up for an hour or 2 before the guys start raining on me.
Good day, this Monday was. Goooooood day.
On the job fun!
Thursday, October 02, 2008
October 2, 2008
I got super excited when I walked out my door this morning.
It really doesn't take much these days.
It was PERFECT outside. About 65 degrees. Absolutely wonderful. I even got a little chilled in my car on the way to work and that made me happy.
I roll into work about 6:50 this morning, sit down at my desk and my phone rings right away. Evan's extension shows up.
I laugh when I answer – I know he is going to be moody.
"Unacceptable…" I answer.
"NO, KAREN. You are unacceptable. Stop it." Every word is very pronounced, diction 100%, through gritted teeth while trying not to laugh.
I laugh for both of us.
"Why are you here so early, Evan?"
"I had to meet Taylor here at 6. Punch me in the face. Let'sgotomcdonaldsbye."
I laugh more and hang up the phone. He then yells from his desk, "HIYA! AYE AYE AYE AYE AYEAYE!"
Apparently, someone is psyched to be at work.
We go to MAC donalds and he gets greasy food and I get an iced coffee. That's weird, I never get those.
Back to the office we go, and the rest of the gang comes trickling in. Billy starts setting up stuff for forklift training (which I opted out of….overqualified as it is…I don't need to add anything else to my list. Pssshhh.) and Evan comes scurrying by to go grab a VCR.
Wait.
Do they even make those anymore?
I then realize that the forklift tapes that they are about to watch are going to be AMAZING and totally up to date and I can't wait to sit and my desk and hear them.
As he goes scurrying by, he drops off 94 things at my desk for me to "hold" until he gets back.
Seriously, what do I look like? I happily oblige anyway. It's in my job description.
Then, he starts crop dusting as he walks off. But this was not a silent crop dust.
He turns on his heel, "KARRRRR RRRRRREN!" and he holds up a "threatening" finger as he blames me for his unsilent crop dust; as if I would do such a thing.
I'm a lady.
I laugh some more. I do this lots at work. It's great for digestion.
So, now the boys are out learning how to operate forklifts and it's quiet in here. That's super rare.
I don't like it so much.
Prior to stretching this morning, I walked back to the refrigerator in the back of the office to go see if there are any bottles of water hanging out that I can snag. Josh had just put his lunch in the fridge and was standing there talking to Henry about things. I go to grab the handle on the door and a freaking daddy long leg the size of my FACE was on the freezer door.
I let out a minor scream, no big deal, did a little dance, and quick as a flash, I was backed up against the rolling door trying my hardest to remember how to breathe.
"What happened?" says Henry.
I was busy gagging pretty much, and Josh walks over to the fridge.
"Oh, don't be such a (expletive). It's just a daddy long leg."
"I KNOW. I'm more freaked out about those nasty things than a spider the size and girth of a dinner plate."
OK not really, but it sounded legit at the time.
I'm sweating at this point and I hurry away to the safety of Josh's cubicle at least 100 feet away from this monster. Henry is chuckling and grabs a paper towel to go kill it. I feel bad for about a nanosecond, then get the chills when he holds up the paper towel with the dead carcass.
It took me awhile to recuperate from this incident. The remainder of the day was pretty simple. Got a lot of things done, talked with my boys....enjoyed my day.
On a happier note, our young Taylor is going to be back on site again next week for a new job we just won.
Remember that statement I made about the rubber bands and glove throwing? Yah....pretty sure it's on again.
I'm a happy girl, all my boys, back together again. *sigh*
And PS - I am really happy that the weekend is right around the corner. I need to do some shopping therapy.
Yep. :)
October 2, 2008
I got super excited when I walked out my door this morning.
It really doesn't take much these days.
It was PERFECT outside. About 65 degrees. Absolutely wonderful. I even got a little chilled in my car on the way to work and that made me happy.
I roll into work about 6:50 this morning, sit down at my desk and my phone rings right away. Evan's extension shows up.
I laugh when I answer – I know he is going to be moody.
"Unacceptable…" I answer.
"NO, KAREN. You are unacceptable. Stop it." Every word is very pronounced, diction 100%, through gritted teeth while trying not to laugh.
I laugh for both of us.
"Why are you here so early, Evan?"
"I had to meet Taylor here at 6. Punch me in the face. Let'sgotomcdonaldsbye."
I laugh more and hang up the phone. He then yells from his desk, "HIYA! AYE AYE AYE AYE AYEAYE!"
Apparently, someone is psyched to be at work.
We go to MAC donalds and he gets greasy food and I get an iced coffee. That's weird, I never get those.
Back to the office we go, and the rest of the gang comes trickling in. Billy starts setting up stuff for forklift training (which I opted out of….overqualified as it is…I don't need to add anything else to my list. Pssshhh.) and Evan comes scurrying by to go grab a VCR.
Wait.
Do they even make those anymore?
I then realize that the forklift tapes that they are about to watch are going to be AMAZING and totally up to date and I can't wait to sit and my desk and hear them.
As he goes scurrying by, he drops off 94 things at my desk for me to "hold" until he gets back.
Seriously, what do I look like? I happily oblige anyway. It's in my job description.
Then, he starts crop dusting as he walks off. But this was not a silent crop dust.
He turns on his heel, "KARRRRR RRRRRREN!" and he holds up a "threatening" finger as he blames me for his unsilent crop dust; as if I would do such a thing.
I'm a lady.
I laugh some more. I do this lots at work. It's great for digestion.
So, now the boys are out learning how to operate forklifts and it's quiet in here. That's super rare.
I don't like it so much.
Prior to stretching this morning, I walked back to the refrigerator in the back of the office to go see if there are any bottles of water hanging out that I can snag. Josh had just put his lunch in the fridge and was standing there talking to Henry about things. I go to grab the handle on the door and a freaking daddy long leg the size of my FACE was on the freezer door.
I let out a minor scream, no big deal, did a little dance, and quick as a flash, I was backed up against the rolling door trying my hardest to remember how to breathe.
"What happened?" says Henry.
I was busy gagging pretty much, and Josh walks over to the fridge.
"Oh, don't be such a (expletive). It's just a daddy long leg."
"I KNOW. I'm more freaked out about those nasty things than a spider the size and girth of a dinner plate."
OK not really, but it sounded legit at the time.
I'm sweating at this point and I hurry away to the safety of Josh's cubicle at least 100 feet away from this monster. Henry is chuckling and grabs a paper towel to go kill it. I feel bad for about a nanosecond, then get the chills when he holds up the paper towel with the dead carcass.
It took me awhile to recuperate from this incident. The remainder of the day was pretty simple. Got a lot of things done, talked with my boys....enjoyed my day.
On a happier note, our young Taylor is going to be back on site again next week for a new job we just won.
Remember that statement I made about the rubber bands and glove throwing? Yah....pretty sure it's on again.
I'm a happy girl, all my boys, back together again. *sigh*
And PS - I am really happy that the weekend is right around the corner. I need to do some shopping therapy.
Yep. :)
Allll in a days work...
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
October 1, 2008
I'm so tired right now, that I've written this first sentence about 5 times and back spaced over it.
That's rare. Cause I just write.
So, today at lunch, we concluded for about the 15th time that we could make a pretty good comedy show. But this time, instead of one of us thinking we're hilarious, it came from the Randall. I've been telling the guys that we need to start documenting our shenanigans with the video camera...although that MIGHT result in an HR nightmare. I guarantee if this stuff was on tv, we'd get lots of viewers. The banter that goes on between all of us is pretty much show quality....Honestly.
I wish I could regurgitate every instance at work...but so much goes on that I can only grab a few lil chunks of it at the end of the day.
And that was a super gross use of words. Regurgitate....chunks. Nice one, KG.
My feeble attempt at describing what goes on is just that - feeble. There are so many times where I'm crying because I am laughing so hard at something one of the guys said or did.... and I really want to share it with the world.
Ok, that was a little cheesy.
We were sitting in our awesome staff meeting Monday night (yes, the one where I get to stay an extra 63 hours after work to hold such an intense happening) and pretty much every single one of us with the exception of C (he's deaf...that's not funny) is making every attempt humanly possible to remain awake and alert and enthusiastic about the topics at hand. After what seems like a million hours, we reach the end of the meeting minutes and everyone kind of starts throwing stuff out there, talking all over each other, having lots of meaningless conversations. I hear bits and pieces of each conversation..."L3 machine..." "5157 or 5142...." "the conduit above the MCC's..." "huh?..." (that would be C) "Re-badging everyone by February..." "My face is asleep..." "Anthony, did you have something else to say?" "We need a new staff picture..." (that was me, always the practical one) Out in the hallway I hear the office across from us getting rowdy, so everyone at the table starts talking louder. Absolutely necessary.
Our office is not really an office...it's a long hallway that was built for maintenance of the tram's that you take out to the air sides at OIA. It's concrete block with no windows unless you go into one of the adjacent long hallways and there are skylights in there. Anyway, in our hallway we have a metal fence at the front that separates us from everyone else in the "bunker". Nothing else.
Think chicken wire on steroids.
Just like on the playground.
It's right in front of my desk. I look through a fence all day. Don't be jealous.
There is a swinging chicken wire fence door that we lock with a chain and a padlock at the end of the day. It's pretty pimp. Not gonna lie.
So, anyway, it's getting louder in the hallway, and I look at Chris and say, "Wow, it's not loud in here at all."
Chris says, "Maybe if we close the door a little..."
"Yah, that should help."
Hhmmmmmm.
Then I laughed and laughed. It was a long day.
Funny glove throwing incident happened this week as well. It was early still - just after stretching, and Evan and Josh were at my desk trying to gather themselves to go out into the field to take some pictures. Josh kept forgetting things, and Evan started adding more paper to the already mounting pile of crap...I mean, important things.....to file. I saw a fine opportunity to grab Evan's gloves that were dangling out of his back pocket and give them a good taste of the concrete floor.
Which by the way, since Taylor left, the rubber band shooting and glove throwing has come to a definite halt. Hardly happens. That's so sad.
So, I do as I promised myself, and took his gloves and had a sweet throw down....
I giggled. Evan didn't. Typical. LOT of growing up to do.
Josh returns to my desk. Evan forgets his tape and tells Josh to grab it off his desk. I get excited, because I have a cute little puny tape measure in my desk and I very willingly offered it to Evan. It's not big and manly like everyone else's. It's little and girly, like me.
He refuses to take it. I don't understand why.
So, Josh comes back to my desk again and he then sees a perfect opportunity for a kick Evan's ankles to make him trip AND glove throwing....and he does the double whammy. Evan runs off...sort of...more like a frolic, through the chicken wire fence door and out into the hallway. Josh launches Evan's gloves almost into HP's office across the hall. Evan mutters a minor complaint on the way over to pick them up and stuff them back into his pocket again.
They disappear around the corner and all is silent for a moment, except for me giggling under my breath.
Silly boys. Glad they are here to make me laugh.
Then, out of nowhere, I see two gloves go soaring back across the hallway, launched like a rocket.... and then Josh reappears to go gather his gloves, yelling "GROW UP EVAN."
Ah, it was so nice to bring back the glove throwing....all is well.
So, this week has already been one mother of an emotional corkscrew.
I don't even know if that makes sense, emotional corkscrew.
Whatever, I like it.
I'm done for now. Maybe I'll get some footage of work and post it one of these days.....
October 1, 2008
I'm so tired right now, that I've written this first sentence about 5 times and back spaced over it.
That's rare. Cause I just write.
So, today at lunch, we concluded for about the 15th time that we could make a pretty good comedy show. But this time, instead of one of us thinking we're hilarious, it came from the Randall. I've been telling the guys that we need to start documenting our shenanigans with the video camera...although that MIGHT result in an HR nightmare. I guarantee if this stuff was on tv, we'd get lots of viewers. The banter that goes on between all of us is pretty much show quality....Honestly.
I wish I could regurgitate every instance at work...but so much goes on that I can only grab a few lil chunks of it at the end of the day.
And that was a super gross use of words. Regurgitate....chunks. Nice one, KG.
My feeble attempt at describing what goes on is just that - feeble. There are so many times where I'm crying because I am laughing so hard at something one of the guys said or did.... and I really want to share it with the world.
Ok, that was a little cheesy.
We were sitting in our awesome staff meeting Monday night (yes, the one where I get to stay an extra 63 hours after work to hold such an intense happening) and pretty much every single one of us with the exception of C (he's deaf...that's not funny) is making every attempt humanly possible to remain awake and alert and enthusiastic about the topics at hand. After what seems like a million hours, we reach the end of the meeting minutes and everyone kind of starts throwing stuff out there, talking all over each other, having lots of meaningless conversations. I hear bits and pieces of each conversation..."L3 machine..." "5157 or 5142...." "the conduit above the MCC's..." "huh?..." (that would be C) "Re-badging everyone by February..." "My face is asleep..." "Anthony, did you have something else to say?" "We need a new staff picture..." (that was me, always the practical one) Out in the hallway I hear the office across from us getting rowdy, so everyone at the table starts talking louder. Absolutely necessary.
Our office is not really an office...it's a long hallway that was built for maintenance of the tram's that you take out to the air sides at OIA. It's concrete block with no windows unless you go into one of the adjacent long hallways and there are skylights in there. Anyway, in our hallway we have a metal fence at the front that separates us from everyone else in the "bunker". Nothing else.
Think chicken wire on steroids.
Just like on the playground.
It's right in front of my desk. I look through a fence all day. Don't be jealous.
There is a swinging chicken wire fence door that we lock with a chain and a padlock at the end of the day. It's pretty pimp. Not gonna lie.
So, anyway, it's getting louder in the hallway, and I look at Chris and say, "Wow, it's not loud in here at all."
Chris says, "Maybe if we close the door a little..."
"Yah, that should help."
Hhmmmmmm.
Then I laughed and laughed. It was a long day.
Funny glove throwing incident happened this week as well. It was early still - just after stretching, and Evan and Josh were at my desk trying to gather themselves to go out into the field to take some pictures. Josh kept forgetting things, and Evan started adding more paper to the already mounting pile of crap...I mean, important things.....to file. I saw a fine opportunity to grab Evan's gloves that were dangling out of his back pocket and give them a good taste of the concrete floor.
Which by the way, since Taylor left, the rubber band shooting and glove throwing has come to a definite halt. Hardly happens. That's so sad.
So, I do as I promised myself, and took his gloves and had a sweet throw down....
I giggled. Evan didn't. Typical. LOT of growing up to do.
Josh returns to my desk. Evan forgets his tape and tells Josh to grab it off his desk. I get excited, because I have a cute little puny tape measure in my desk and I very willingly offered it to Evan. It's not big and manly like everyone else's. It's little and girly, like me.
He refuses to take it. I don't understand why.
So, Josh comes back to my desk again and he then sees a perfect opportunity for a kick Evan's ankles to make him trip AND glove throwing....and he does the double whammy. Evan runs off...sort of...more like a frolic, through the chicken wire fence door and out into the hallway. Josh launches Evan's gloves almost into HP's office across the hall. Evan mutters a minor complaint on the way over to pick them up and stuff them back into his pocket again.
They disappear around the corner and all is silent for a moment, except for me giggling under my breath.
Silly boys. Glad they are here to make me laugh.
Then, out of nowhere, I see two gloves go soaring back across the hallway, launched like a rocket.... and then Josh reappears to go gather his gloves, yelling "GROW UP EVAN."
Ah, it was so nice to bring back the glove throwing....all is well.
So, this week has already been one mother of an emotional corkscrew.
I don't even know if that makes sense, emotional corkscrew.
Whatever, I like it.
I'm done for now. Maybe I'll get some footage of work and post it one of these days.....
house on the lake visited...hmmm
September 17, 2008
My heart is still a little bruised today.
I drove out to see the house on the lake yesterday - not so much. Not for me. Way too small.
All day yesterday, all I kept thinking about was getting home and dancing.
Dancing, for me, takes me away from everything. I regretted canceling my Y membership last night - I really really needed Latin Cardio for sure this week.
So once I finally made the long hike from Geneva back to Windermere, I literally walked in my door, threw my iphone on the dock and danced for 2 hours.
And everything started to melt away. For 2 hours I forgot about everything.
*sigh* 2 hours, too short.
SO - I've got a lot of things to figure out today; a whole lot of trusting to do.
It'll work out, right?
My heart is still a little bruised today.
I drove out to see the house on the lake yesterday - not so much. Not for me. Way too small.
All day yesterday, all I kept thinking about was getting home and dancing.
Dancing, for me, takes me away from everything. I regretted canceling my Y membership last night - I really really needed Latin Cardio for sure this week.
So once I finally made the long hike from Geneva back to Windermere, I literally walked in my door, threw my iphone on the dock and danced for 2 hours.
And everything started to melt away. For 2 hours I forgot about everything.
*sigh* 2 hours, too short.
SO - I've got a lot of things to figure out today; a whole lot of trusting to do.
It'll work out, right?
she walks into the room...
Sunday, September 14, 2008
September 14, 2008 pt DOS
So, this is cool.
I was reading "Captivating" earlier this evening. But wait.
Earlier than that, I was cruising around Craig's List and found this little cottage on a lake in Geneva, FL.
YIKES! I was so excited. It's adorable. I'm going out to see it tomorrow or Tuesday. It's already furnished - which is partially okay - I can sell what I have or perhaps put it in storage - I dunno. Anyway, that bridge'll be crossed when I get there.
Down side - no laundry. But I can hook up a washer out on the back patio.
Totally redneck.
Member - I'm from Madison, Indiana. That's how we get DOWN.
But I'm checking this place out regardless. It's on a lake. I guarantee the view is amazing. It could be just the place I need to write....to really write.
Exposed beams, major plus.
I'm such a hippie inside, really. Solitude. It's what this girl needs right now. And it's just far enough outside of Orlando - if I wanna go to the city, I'm there. A little far away from my guys - but it's okay.
OK, back to Captivating.
I'd quote the entire book if I could, really. But I was reading - and this totally touched my heart.
John and Stasi are talking about "The Crown of Creation", and thinking about it as a work of art. It begins with Genesis 1:2; talks about darkness over the deep and God's breath hovering over the waters, moves on to Genesis 1:3 - light, Genesis 1:6 - divide water from water, Genesis 1:9 - dry land appears, Genesis 1:11 - grass, plants, trees, fruit, Genesis 1:14 - moon, sun, stars, etc., Genesis 1:20 - fishies and birdies, horses, crickets, (even spiders, *gag*)etc....and then Genesis 2:7 - God sets his own image on Earth - He creates man.
"It is nearing the end of the sixth day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo's "David". He is...magnificent. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing...and that something is Eve."
Now we're at Genesis 2:21-23 - God takes Adam's rib and says, "Shablazm! WOMAN!"
(Ok, prolly not like that, but whatever.)
Picking back up with John and Stasi:
"She is the crescendo, the final astonishing work of God. Woman. In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with EVE. She is the Master's finishing touch. How we wish this were an illustrated book, and we could show you now some painting or sculpture of the goddess Nike of Samothrace, the winged beauty, just alighting on the prow of a great ship, her beautiful form revealed through the thin veils that sweep around her. Eve is...breathtaking.
Given the way creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch, his piece de resistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill. Step to a window, ladies, if you can. Better still, find some place with a view. Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, "The whole, vast world is incomplete without me...."
OK back to me. Here is where my heart skipped a lil beat and I realized my worth once again.
"...Creation reached its zenith in me."
PPSSSHHHH!
The next few pages go on to describe this simple truth: We were created in His image. He longs to be sought after, to be loved. So do I. I was created in His image. He is inviting, emotional, longs to be desired....ME TOO! I was created to be a "sustainer beside him."
That's what I'ma do for my man. It's what I was created for.
"Tender and inviting, intimate and alluring, fiercely devoted. Oh yes, our God has a passionate, romantic heart. Just look at Eve."
Good stuff. I was made for a reason. And what a REASON!
"Even to see her walk across the room is a liberal education." - C.S. Lewis
September 14, 2008 pt DOS
So, this is cool.
I was reading "Captivating" earlier this evening. But wait.
Earlier than that, I was cruising around Craig's List and found this little cottage on a lake in Geneva, FL.
YIKES! I was so excited. It's adorable. I'm going out to see it tomorrow or Tuesday. It's already furnished - which is partially okay - I can sell what I have or perhaps put it in storage - I dunno. Anyway, that bridge'll be crossed when I get there.
Down side - no laundry. But I can hook up a washer out on the back patio.
Totally redneck.
Member - I'm from Madison, Indiana. That's how we get DOWN.
But I'm checking this place out regardless. It's on a lake. I guarantee the view is amazing. It could be just the place I need to write....to really write.
Exposed beams, major plus.
I'm such a hippie inside, really. Solitude. It's what this girl needs right now. And it's just far enough outside of Orlando - if I wanna go to the city, I'm there. A little far away from my guys - but it's okay.
OK, back to Captivating.
I'd quote the entire book if I could, really. But I was reading - and this totally touched my heart.
John and Stasi are talking about "The Crown of Creation", and thinking about it as a work of art. It begins with Genesis 1:2; talks about darkness over the deep and God's breath hovering over the waters, moves on to Genesis 1:3 - light, Genesis 1:6 - divide water from water, Genesis 1:9 - dry land appears, Genesis 1:11 - grass, plants, trees, fruit, Genesis 1:14 - moon, sun, stars, etc., Genesis 1:20 - fishies and birdies, horses, crickets, (even spiders, *gag*)etc....and then Genesis 2:7 - God sets his own image on Earth - He creates man.
"It is nearing the end of the sixth day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo's "David". He is...magnificent. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing...and that something is Eve."
Now we're at Genesis 2:21-23 - God takes Adam's rib and says, "Shablazm! WOMAN!"
(Ok, prolly not like that, but whatever.)
Picking back up with John and Stasi:
"She is the crescendo, the final astonishing work of God. Woman. In one last flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with EVE. She is the Master's finishing touch. How we wish this were an illustrated book, and we could show you now some painting or sculpture of the goddess Nike of Samothrace, the winged beauty, just alighting on the prow of a great ship, her beautiful form revealed through the thin veils that sweep around her. Eve is...breathtaking.
Given the way creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch, his piece de resistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill. Step to a window, ladies, if you can. Better still, find some place with a view. Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, "The whole, vast world is incomplete without me...."
OK back to me. Here is where my heart skipped a lil beat and I realized my worth once again.
"...Creation reached its zenith in me."
PPSSSHHHH!
The next few pages go on to describe this simple truth: We were created in His image. He longs to be sought after, to be loved. So do I. I was created in His image. He is inviting, emotional, longs to be desired....ME TOO! I was created to be a "sustainer beside him."
That's what I'ma do for my man. It's what I was created for.
"Tender and inviting, intimate and alluring, fiercely devoted. Oh yes, our God has a passionate, romantic heart. Just look at Eve."
Good stuff. I was made for a reason. And what a REASON!
"Even to see her walk across the room is a liberal education." - C.S. Lewis
I Will Find You...
September 14, 2008
So I was just sitting outside on my porch, coffee, Bible in hand, enjoying the sun on my skin.
I made an iced hazelnut coffee, grabbed the essentials (phone and Bible, duh) and ventured on out.
So I was reading in Genesis - the whole Joseph fiasco - the part where his brother's come to him because of the famine, but they don't recognize him. Right away, I was like don't they recognize his eyes? Joseph knows who they are, and despite everything that his crazy brother's did to him in the past (hey guys, lets go throw him in this well and bloody his sweet jacket and make our pops believe he's been torn apart and leave him here HAHA FUNNY JOKE) he still looks at them and an overwhelming surge of love overtakes his heart. He has to leave the room once they bring his youngest brother, Benjamin to him, and have a good cry. My own eyes filled with tears thinking about the anguish he must have felt when his eyes met his younger brothers, but knew he couldn't say who he was just yet. How painful that must have been.....I woulda been like WHAT UP DAWGS!!!! It's me, your sister KG....seriously!!!! But he couldn't do it just yet. And when he finally did, the floodgates opened up. As I read I put myself there, in the room with Joseph...it was almost like I was watching a movie - I wanted to scream out loud and be like LOOK FOOLS, IT'S YOUR BROTHER....HOW CAN YOU NOT RECOGNIZE HIM!
Good stuff.
So then, I came back inside, and my eyes caught this book sitting on my table in the living room. I picked it up and held it in my hands and a warmth spread through my entire body. I thumbed through the pages and decided I would start reading it. See, I just got this book in the mail from my lil sis. As I walked back outside, I thought to myself, "Aw, my sis held this book in her hands, read the words on every page, and wanted to share it with me, too." I re-read her note in the front, and smiled. My heart was warm at the thought that we were sharing something, yet still miles apart. I sat down and started reading, already captivated.
This quote was on the first page:
"He saw that Fatima's eyes were filled with tears. "You're crying?"
"I'm a woman of the desert," she said averting her eyes, "But above all, I'm a woman." - Paulo Coelho
I'm pretty sure I'm going to adore this book. (Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge)
I remember the first time I fell in love. Really fell in love. It didn't happen immediately, of course, it grew over days and months and years. I don't think I recognized it's depth at the time, but looking back on it now, I know that I was in love, with all my heart.
I fell in love with his eyes. It was pretty simple, the moment I looked into his eyes, I saw his soul. I know that sounds totally cliche, but it is the honest truth. If I close my eyes, I can remember the very moment I recognized it. I remember sitting there and thinking, as everything literally paused around me, "Wow...he is beautiful. His eyes are beautiful..." I didn't see him for the way he looked physically, I saw what was in his eyes - the beauty that was there. And I saw it even when he didn't think I did. No matter what, I held onto what I saw. I've never really believed in love at first sight. But to this day I've never forgotten his eyes and what I felt looking into them that day. It's been years....lots of years since that day....that was then. I've learned that love doesn't have an age limit. I heard people say, "You're too young to be in love." I disagree. Love is love. And what's so amazing about it is, no matter what, I know that I won't ever feel that exact same thing again - simply because every relationship is different. I know what I had, what I felt - I won't have that very same thing again with anyone. And that makes it all the more sweeter.
So in a way, my journey to find him includes searching for that ....for the gateway to the soul of the man that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I really think that I'm going to be captivated by what I see in his eyes. (PS - I'm loving the word captivated today) Maybe it's just me having wishful thinking, but God knows my heart better than I do - and I know what its going to take to get this girl - and I know I have to be captivated by his eyes.
I guess its on my list of requirements? 1. Must be captivated by his eyes = his heart and soul 2. Must love the small town girl in me 3. Will wipe tears away 4. Love unconditionally
That's all. Not much. Right? :)
Off to tackle the day....time to go do some running around, then football time. Hooray for that.
And HIGH FIVE on getting my mac back. Even though she's wiped clean, I'm still super psyched. And I did get an external HD. Check that off the list.
"I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far - I will find you."
-Nathanial to Cora in the Last of the Mohicans
So I was just sitting outside on my porch, coffee, Bible in hand, enjoying the sun on my skin.
I made an iced hazelnut coffee, grabbed the essentials (phone and Bible, duh) and ventured on out.
So I was reading in Genesis - the whole Joseph fiasco - the part where his brother's come to him because of the famine, but they don't recognize him. Right away, I was like don't they recognize his eyes? Joseph knows who they are, and despite everything that his crazy brother's did to him in the past (hey guys, lets go throw him in this well and bloody his sweet jacket and make our pops believe he's been torn apart and leave him here HAHA FUNNY JOKE) he still looks at them and an overwhelming surge of love overtakes his heart. He has to leave the room once they bring his youngest brother, Benjamin to him, and have a good cry. My own eyes filled with tears thinking about the anguish he must have felt when his eyes met his younger brothers, but knew he couldn't say who he was just yet. How painful that must have been.....I woulda been like WHAT UP DAWGS!!!! It's me, your sister KG....seriously!!!! But he couldn't do it just yet. And when he finally did, the floodgates opened up. As I read I put myself there, in the room with Joseph...it was almost like I was watching a movie - I wanted to scream out loud and be like LOOK FOOLS, IT'S YOUR BROTHER....HOW CAN YOU NOT RECOGNIZE HIM!
Good stuff.
So then, I came back inside, and my eyes caught this book sitting on my table in the living room. I picked it up and held it in my hands and a warmth spread through my entire body. I thumbed through the pages and decided I would start reading it. See, I just got this book in the mail from my lil sis. As I walked back outside, I thought to myself, "Aw, my sis held this book in her hands, read the words on every page, and wanted to share it with me, too." I re-read her note in the front, and smiled. My heart was warm at the thought that we were sharing something, yet still miles apart. I sat down and started reading, already captivated.
This quote was on the first page:
"He saw that Fatima's eyes were filled with tears. "You're crying?"
"I'm a woman of the desert," she said averting her eyes, "But above all, I'm a woman." - Paulo Coelho
I'm pretty sure I'm going to adore this book. (Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge)
I remember the first time I fell in love. Really fell in love. It didn't happen immediately, of course, it grew over days and months and years. I don't think I recognized it's depth at the time, but looking back on it now, I know that I was in love, with all my heart.
I fell in love with his eyes. It was pretty simple, the moment I looked into his eyes, I saw his soul. I know that sounds totally cliche, but it is the honest truth. If I close my eyes, I can remember the very moment I recognized it. I remember sitting there and thinking, as everything literally paused around me, "Wow...he is beautiful. His eyes are beautiful..." I didn't see him for the way he looked physically, I saw what was in his eyes - the beauty that was there. And I saw it even when he didn't think I did. No matter what, I held onto what I saw. I've never really believed in love at first sight. But to this day I've never forgotten his eyes and what I felt looking into them that day. It's been years....lots of years since that day....that was then. I've learned that love doesn't have an age limit. I heard people say, "You're too young to be in love." I disagree. Love is love. And what's so amazing about it is, no matter what, I know that I won't ever feel that exact same thing again - simply because every relationship is different. I know what I had, what I felt - I won't have that very same thing again with anyone. And that makes it all the more sweeter.
So in a way, my journey to find him includes searching for that ....for the gateway to the soul of the man that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I really think that I'm going to be captivated by what I see in his eyes. (PS - I'm loving the word captivated today) Maybe it's just me having wishful thinking, but God knows my heart better than I do - and I know what its going to take to get this girl - and I know I have to be captivated by his eyes.
I guess its on my list of requirements? 1. Must be captivated by his eyes = his heart and soul 2. Must love the small town girl in me 3. Will wipe tears away 4. Love unconditionally
That's all. Not much. Right? :)
Off to tackle the day....time to go do some running around, then football time. Hooray for that.
And HIGH FIVE on getting my mac back. Even though she's wiped clean, I'm still super psyched. And I did get an external HD. Check that off the list.
"I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far - I will find you."
-Nathanial to Cora in the Last of the Mohicans
Lesson Learned...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Septmeber 12, 2008
I learned a super valuable lesson this week.
2 things.
1. Don't buy so much music (I had 2000 songs on my mac) and
B. Back everything up. LOTS.
I just got my puter back. I lost everything. EVERYTHING. Pictures, papers, songs, poems, thoughts, ideas....gone. Like it never happened.
Ouch.
So now I'm going to Publix to buy things.
Next on the list - external HD to save everything forever.
I'm super sick about all of my music. Gone. GONE. Gone.
Ouch.
Septmeber 12, 2008
I learned a super valuable lesson this week.
2 things.
1. Don't buy so much music (I had 2000 songs on my mac) and
B. Back everything up. LOTS.
I just got my puter back. I lost everything. EVERYTHING. Pictures, papers, songs, poems, thoughts, ideas....gone. Like it never happened.
Ouch.
So now I'm going to Publix to buy things.
Next on the list - external HD to save everything forever.
I'm super sick about all of my music. Gone. GONE. Gone.
Ouch.
house on the lake
Sunday, September 07, 2008
September 7, 2008
*fingers crossed* I think I found a place to live.
So yesterday I went over to Billy's house for the Gator game. I was sitting outside by myself last night, watching the game through the window, watching the guys and girls....when I realized that everyone was there with someone else (besides me and Seamus). I chuckled as I realized that this was the first time I've gone to a party alone in years. I sat there, completely comfortable to be watching from the outside, and like always...I began longing for him to be there with me. And it amazed me how I could long for someone that I don't even know...
It was super fun, nonetheless. :)
So today I'm a little tired, melancholy, quiet. Just counting the hours until game time!
There it is, that's the smile I was looking for...
September 7, 2008
*fingers crossed* I think I found a place to live.
So yesterday I went over to Billy's house for the Gator game. I was sitting outside by myself last night, watching the game through the window, watching the guys and girls....when I realized that everyone was there with someone else (besides me and Seamus). I chuckled as I realized that this was the first time I've gone to a party alone in years. I sat there, completely comfortable to be watching from the outside, and like always...I began longing for him to be there with me. And it amazed me how I could long for someone that I don't even know...
It was super fun, nonetheless. :)
So today I'm a little tired, melancholy, quiet. Just counting the hours until game time!
There it is, that's the smile I was looking for...
just another day on the job...
Friday, September 05, 2008
September 5, 2008
So I think I'm going to post on Craig's list that I need a roomie. Yikes. But I talked to my landlord yesterday and he said I'm welcome to stay if I get someone in here with me. Ummmmm....lotta thinking to do today. I am so loving living alone right now, but on the other hand, I'm not sure that I want to move. Something's gotta give. We'll see.
Pretty tired today. Friday's are harder than Monday's to get up and go into work for me. Going to need lots of coffee. I've got this addiction to the sugar free iced vanilla coffee's from mac donalds. I'm lovin it. WAIT....I didn't mean to use their slogan. SUBLIMINAL. That's weird.
HOORAY! I found this huge baseball at work yesterday. I was switching out Josh's phone line (because I also work in IT) and was back behind the cubicle's crawling around and I saw Billy's Devil Ray's baseball. I beelined it (sort of, I had to duck under lots of piping to get to it) and snatched it right up and sweet William G Matthesen said I could have it. Love.
So for the rest of the day, I played catch with my super huge baseball. And then Tyler stole it, and I was deeply saddened. I walked up to his desk once I realized that it was missing from mine, and said, "TAYLOR (we call him taylor because the hispanic guys on our site can't say tyler) where is my ball????" He replied with, "LA LA LALALA."
Hmmm. Lot of growing up to do.
I said, "Seriously, where is it? Did you not see the joy on my face when I found it?"
He said, "Did you not see the joy on my face when you realized it was gone?"
So I searched for it, couldn't find it.
I went back to my desk brokenhearted that I'd have to stop playing catch and perhaps do some work (overrated).
I sat down, and Taylor says, "LA LA LALALA!" I stood up, and saw him standing there with my baseball raised high over his head in triumph, so I booked it back to his desk, and it was gone again. NO clue where it went. On this goes for awhile...
I shut down my computer and started to pack up as it was time to call it a day. I walk back towards the guys, and there Taylor sits, with my ball in his lap. At this very moment, I get a text message from my sis, look at the phone, and when I look back at Taylor, it's gone.
Houdini. Lots.
He's like, "You suck at this scavenger game." I'm looking all around his desk, and then finally, I look at C's desk and TADA! There is my ball in a box on the floor! WOO! I screamed like a 6 year old and then hung on to my ball for dear life.
Until we decided to go upstairs to McCoy's to watch some football and hang. I apprehensively put my ball on my desk, and asked so sweetly, "Taylor, please don't take my ball." I used the big brown eyes for this one, perhaps to no avail. We'll see.
This weekend is going to be super sweet. Gator game tomorrow at Billy's with the guys (will definitely bring the camera and post) and Sunday GO COLTS. (I got all kinds of wound up watching Eli play last night - AMPED)
PS- I'm definitely wearing my hat and a colt's t-shirt today. I'm really dressing up for work. It's what I do.
September 5, 2008
So I think I'm going to post on Craig's list that I need a roomie. Yikes. But I talked to my landlord yesterday and he said I'm welcome to stay if I get someone in here with me. Ummmmm....lotta thinking to do today. I am so loving living alone right now, but on the other hand, I'm not sure that I want to move. Something's gotta give. We'll see.
Pretty tired today. Friday's are harder than Monday's to get up and go into work for me. Going to need lots of coffee. I've got this addiction to the sugar free iced vanilla coffee's from mac donalds. I'm lovin it. WAIT....I didn't mean to use their slogan. SUBLIMINAL. That's weird.
HOORAY! I found this huge baseball at work yesterday. I was switching out Josh's phone line (because I also work in IT) and was back behind the cubicle's crawling around and I saw Billy's Devil Ray's baseball. I beelined it (sort of, I had to duck under lots of piping to get to it) and snatched it right up and sweet William G Matthesen said I could have it. Love.
So for the rest of the day, I played catch with my super huge baseball. And then Tyler stole it, and I was deeply saddened. I walked up to his desk once I realized that it was missing from mine, and said, "TAYLOR (we call him taylor because the hispanic guys on our site can't say tyler) where is my ball????" He replied with, "LA LA LALALA."
Hmmm. Lot of growing up to do.
I said, "Seriously, where is it? Did you not see the joy on my face when I found it?"
He said, "Did you not see the joy on my face when you realized it was gone?"
So I searched for it, couldn't find it.
I went back to my desk brokenhearted that I'd have to stop playing catch and perhaps do some work (overrated).
I sat down, and Taylor says, "LA LA LALALA!" I stood up, and saw him standing there with my baseball raised high over his head in triumph, so I booked it back to his desk, and it was gone again. NO clue where it went. On this goes for awhile...
I shut down my computer and started to pack up as it was time to call it a day. I walk back towards the guys, and there Taylor sits, with my ball in his lap. At this very moment, I get a text message from my sis, look at the phone, and when I look back at Taylor, it's gone.
Houdini. Lots.
He's like, "You suck at this scavenger game." I'm looking all around his desk, and then finally, I look at C's desk and TADA! There is my ball in a box on the floor! WOO! I screamed like a 6 year old and then hung on to my ball for dear life.
Until we decided to go upstairs to McCoy's to watch some football and hang. I apprehensively put my ball on my desk, and asked so sweetly, "Taylor, please don't take my ball." I used the big brown eyes for this one, perhaps to no avail. We'll see.
This weekend is going to be super sweet. Gator game tomorrow at Billy's with the guys (will definitely bring the camera and post) and Sunday GO COLTS. (I got all kinds of wound up watching Eli play last night - AMPED)
PS- I'm definitely wearing my hat and a colt's t-shirt today. I'm really dressing up for work. It's what I do.
Give Me Your Eyes...
September 3, 2008 pt 2
I walked outside on my back porch tonight, and sat down at the table. There are a quite a few people wandering around tonight, I've noticed.
I've learned that I'm a people watcher. Brandon Heath has a song, "Give Me Your Eyes", and I find myself throughout the day, when I'm walking through the airport, singing, "Give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see, everything that I've been missing, give me your love for humanity..."
Today I watched a couple say goodbye. The guys were talking about a meeting that had just taken place, and while I waited for them to finish, I people watched. Immediately my attention was drawn to a guy who looked to be around my age - shaved head, a few bags thrown over his shoulder. He was in an embrace with a little petite girl who's face was covered in tears. I watched while they held on to each other and wondered where he was off to. Was he just visiting? Was he going away for long? He tilted her face up to his and I could see she was really struggling to keep it together. They kissed for a long time, and while I watched, I could feel my own eyes starting to get teary (I'm a freakin sap, seriously). He hugged her again, and it was like I could see her heart starting to break - he was taking half of it with him. They parted ways, and that was the part I wanted to see. I wanted to see if they looked back at each other. About 20 paces away from one another, I saw her turn, and he turned, right at the same time. She smiled and waved - you could tell that she wasn't expecting him to look back at her - but he did, at the very same moment she turned. He moved on to the security line, and she walked away. I saw her take about 4 more steps, and look back again, and then she was around the corner.
My heart was full, and so were my eyes. I tried to tighten up pretty quickly before the guys caught on. I stood there and wondered where he was....where my guy was....and I ached to feel his arms around me and to catch him looking back at me, too...
The love that those two had for one another was palpable, and apparent that their hearts were very connected...and I longed for that in that short display of true love.
So I came out here to sit on my porch, and I saw this girl walking with a baby. I've seen them before - she lives with her sister. Every night I'm out here, I see her walking with this adorable baby boy. She was singing to him, and he started to fuss - she said, "Oh...what's wrong? It's okay, we're going home sweet home..." She stopped the stroller and went around to pick him up. As soon as he was in her arms, he let out this little whimper - his way of saying thank you, I'm sure. It reminded me of working in daycare with the babies....as soon as you picked them up and they felt arms around them, as soon as they felt your love, they would give that little whimper, that last little cry...and then settle.
He laid his head down on her shoulder, and she kept singing while they walked - and I thought.....
He hears my cry. He sees my outstretched arms, and He picks me up like a child, and when He does, I whimper my thanks....
Just like a baby with outstretched arms and a tearstained face, He moves to us to hold us so we feel secure.
What touched my heart the most about this girl, was how quickly she moved to get him. She didn't just keep pushing him from behind while allowing him to cry the rest of the way back home, she stopped, and immediately came into his view so that he could see that she was preparing to pick him up, and without a second thought about how hard it may be to hold him with one arm and push the stroller with the other, she picked him up so he wouldn't cry.
Isn't it amazing that this is how God deals with us? He is behind us, pushing us, His gentle song falling over us, and when we begin to cry out, He moves so we can see Him, and then He picks us up so we won't cry....
God is good.
Give me your eyes so I can see...
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
I walked outside on my back porch tonight, and sat down at the table. There are a quite a few people wandering around tonight, I've noticed.
I've learned that I'm a people watcher. Brandon Heath has a song, "Give Me Your Eyes", and I find myself throughout the day, when I'm walking through the airport, singing, "Give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see, everything that I've been missing, give me your love for humanity..."
Today I watched a couple say goodbye. The guys were talking about a meeting that had just taken place, and while I waited for them to finish, I people watched. Immediately my attention was drawn to a guy who looked to be around my age - shaved head, a few bags thrown over his shoulder. He was in an embrace with a little petite girl who's face was covered in tears. I watched while they held on to each other and wondered where he was off to. Was he just visiting? Was he going away for long? He tilted her face up to his and I could see she was really struggling to keep it together. They kissed for a long time, and while I watched, I could feel my own eyes starting to get teary (I'm a freakin sap, seriously). He hugged her again, and it was like I could see her heart starting to break - he was taking half of it with him. They parted ways, and that was the part I wanted to see. I wanted to see if they looked back at each other. About 20 paces away from one another, I saw her turn, and he turned, right at the same time. She smiled and waved - you could tell that she wasn't expecting him to look back at her - but he did, at the very same moment she turned. He moved on to the security line, and she walked away. I saw her take about 4 more steps, and look back again, and then she was around the corner.
My heart was full, and so were my eyes. I tried to tighten up pretty quickly before the guys caught on. I stood there and wondered where he was....where my guy was....and I ached to feel his arms around me and to catch him looking back at me, too...
The love that those two had for one another was palpable, and apparent that their hearts were very connected...and I longed for that in that short display of true love.
So I came out here to sit on my porch, and I saw this girl walking with a baby. I've seen them before - she lives with her sister. Every night I'm out here, I see her walking with this adorable baby boy. She was singing to him, and he started to fuss - she said, "Oh...what's wrong? It's okay, we're going home sweet home..." She stopped the stroller and went around to pick him up. As soon as he was in her arms, he let out this little whimper - his way of saying thank you, I'm sure. It reminded me of working in daycare with the babies....as soon as you picked them up and they felt arms around them, as soon as they felt your love, they would give that little whimper, that last little cry...and then settle.
He laid his head down on her shoulder, and she kept singing while they walked - and I thought.....
He hears my cry. He sees my outstretched arms, and He picks me up like a child, and when He does, I whimper my thanks....
Just like a baby with outstretched arms and a tearstained face, He moves to us to hold us so we feel secure.
What touched my heart the most about this girl, was how quickly she moved to get him. She didn't just keep pushing him from behind while allowing him to cry the rest of the way back home, she stopped, and immediately came into his view so that he could see that she was preparing to pick him up, and without a second thought about how hard it may be to hold him with one arm and push the stroller with the other, she picked him up so he wouldn't cry.
Isn't it amazing that this is how God deals with us? He is behind us, pushing us, His gentle song falling over us, and when we begin to cry out, He moves so we can see Him, and then He picks us up so we won't cry....
God is good.
Give me your eyes so I can see...
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
pile of thoughts
September 3, 2008
So there's this car sitting behind my condo, and I can see it from my window.
I arranged the pillows just right on the seat in the second bedroom, opened the blinds to let some sunlight it, grabbed my mac and sat down to write. Then I saw the car, and inadvertently did a double take. I sat here for a second, looking at it wondering why it caught my attention.
It looks just like the car I went to prom in my junior year.... I chuckled. Random.
Another day that I can't complain about. Work was pretty good. We have fun.
One of our favorite pastimes, that even I partake in, is rubber band shooting. This is a fine art. And I am SO good at it. (Sometimes, I lie..........and this is one of those times.) Somehow I always end up with a million rubber bands on or around my desk area....to which I always exclaim, "That's weird, how'd these get here?" Often, it's from me misfiring and they just fall short....realllllllly short. Once I took one in the back of the neck, felt great. So I had to order a box of bands, and I sharpied it with "THIS IS NOT A TOY". That worked, LOTS. I'll be hard at work, and suddenly 67 bands will come flying at my face. Really.
Even better than rubber band shooting, is glove throwing. This is my all time favorite. Because our team is so super safe, the guys all carry sweet hand gloves in their back pockets. They are pretty nice, I put them on once and tried to type at the same time, thinking it would probably be safer to include some PPE in my daily work routine, but my typing skills looked a bit like this:
werkli fglafp] sdjg[prriphagqnlrk412
I gave that up.
Anyway, (ADD, anyone?) Glove throwing. Generally, it's just Evan we do this to. It's pretty simple. Evan will be standing at the table, examining his door hardware schedule, and one of us will walk by, grab his gloves, and throw them down hard on the floor. He always replies with, "Got a lot of growing up to do." Or, if you feel the urge, you can chuck them as far as you can. Or if you are Tyler, you can hide them from Evan, up on the conduit above our heads, so when you say to Evan when he asks "Where are my gloves?", you can say, "Up Evan. Up where the birds fly." And Evan will look down at the ground. No one laughs at all. Then, once he figures out he should be looking UP, not down, he yells, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THOSE DOWN?" Cause Evan's tall, like me. OR, when Evan is sitting as his desk and his gloves are not on his person, taking them and throwing them on the ground super hard behind him always results in a chuckle from Ol Kosmac. Really.
I like to do it when they least expect it, like the ninja that I am. I go for the shock and awe....I could be like 30 feet away, and they're like WHOA, how'd my gloves get on the ground......yah, it was me. It's kind of like flag football, but not really.....
Yah, not really.
So anyway, I like my job 90% of the time, all of the time.
So I was sitting here looking out my back window and wondering....wondering if I am doing the right thing by sticking around for awhile longer, or if I am missing out on something else by staying here. Just when I think I've come to the right decision, doubt comes creeping in....
God didnt' give me a spirit of fear...nope. I'm reminded pretty quickly that doubt and fear - not so much from God. He is the joy giver....
Faith is trust. I have this ring that I've worn on my right hand ring finger for almost 10 years now. It simply says, "Faith = Trust". One and the same. I've got the faith to trust...it's just some days I forget, and I need that gentle reminder.
God is good.
And I love that He hears my cry, even when I don't speak.
So there's this car sitting behind my condo, and I can see it from my window.
I arranged the pillows just right on the seat in the second bedroom, opened the blinds to let some sunlight it, grabbed my mac and sat down to write. Then I saw the car, and inadvertently did a double take. I sat here for a second, looking at it wondering why it caught my attention.
It looks just like the car I went to prom in my junior year.... I chuckled. Random.
Another day that I can't complain about. Work was pretty good. We have fun.
One of our favorite pastimes, that even I partake in, is rubber band shooting. This is a fine art. And I am SO good at it. (Sometimes, I lie..........and this is one of those times.) Somehow I always end up with a million rubber bands on or around my desk area....to which I always exclaim, "That's weird, how'd these get here?" Often, it's from me misfiring and they just fall short....realllllllly short. Once I took one in the back of the neck, felt great. So I had to order a box of bands, and I sharpied it with "THIS IS NOT A TOY". That worked, LOTS. I'll be hard at work, and suddenly 67 bands will come flying at my face. Really.
Even better than rubber band shooting, is glove throwing. This is my all time favorite. Because our team is so super safe, the guys all carry sweet hand gloves in their back pockets. They are pretty nice, I put them on once and tried to type at the same time, thinking it would probably be safer to include some PPE in my daily work routine, but my typing skills looked a bit like this:
werkli fglafp] sdjg[prriphagqnlrk412
I gave that up.
Anyway, (ADD, anyone?) Glove throwing. Generally, it's just Evan we do this to. It's pretty simple. Evan will be standing at the table, examining his door hardware schedule, and one of us will walk by, grab his gloves, and throw them down hard on the floor. He always replies with, "Got a lot of growing up to do." Or, if you feel the urge, you can chuck them as far as you can. Or if you are Tyler, you can hide them from Evan, up on the conduit above our heads, so when you say to Evan when he asks "Where are my gloves?", you can say, "Up Evan. Up where the birds fly." And Evan will look down at the ground. No one laughs at all. Then, once he figures out he should be looking UP, not down, he yells, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THOSE DOWN?" Cause Evan's tall, like me. OR, when Evan is sitting as his desk and his gloves are not on his person, taking them and throwing them on the ground super hard behind him always results in a chuckle from Ol Kosmac. Really.
I like to do it when they least expect it, like the ninja that I am. I go for the shock and awe....I could be like 30 feet away, and they're like WHOA, how'd my gloves get on the ground......yah, it was me. It's kind of like flag football, but not really.....
Yah, not really.
So anyway, I like my job 90% of the time, all of the time.
So I was sitting here looking out my back window and wondering....wondering if I am doing the right thing by sticking around for awhile longer, or if I am missing out on something else by staying here. Just when I think I've come to the right decision, doubt comes creeping in....
God didnt' give me a spirit of fear...nope. I'm reminded pretty quickly that doubt and fear - not so much from God. He is the joy giver....
Faith is trust. I have this ring that I've worn on my right hand ring finger for almost 10 years now. It simply says, "Faith = Trust". One and the same. I've got the faith to trust...it's just some days I forget, and I need that gentle reminder.
God is good.
And I love that He hears my cry, even when I don't speak.
life...
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
September 2, 2008
I read this poem yesterday in a book I just finished.
"Life" by Dunbar
"A crust of bread and a corner to sleep in,
A minute to smile and an hour to weep in,
A pint of joy to a peck of trouble,
And never a laugh but the moans come double;
And that is life!
A crust and a corner that love makes precious,
With a smile to warm and the tears to refresh us;
And joy seems sweeter when cares come after,
And a moan is the finest of foils for laughter;
And that is life!"
Love. It.
September 2, 2008
I read this poem yesterday in a book I just finished.
"Life" by Dunbar
"A crust of bread and a corner to sleep in,
A minute to smile and an hour to weep in,
A pint of joy to a peck of trouble,
And never a laugh but the moans come double;
And that is life!
A crust and a corner that love makes precious,
With a smile to warm and the tears to refresh us;
And joy seems sweeter when cares come after,
And a moan is the finest of foils for laughter;
And that is life!"
Love. It.
took a little trip
Monday, September 01, 2008
September 1, 2008 pt 2
Yah, so I took a little trip today.
I was sitting here at home, thinking about things, remembering, dreaming, getting totally caught up in stuff, when I decided to go shopping.
Dangerous.
Then, as I was brushing my pearly whites, I was like, "Wait....I want to go see Ozzie."
Ozzie is my angel. She is Chance's dog. And I go out to camp to see her when I get the itch.
And I got the itch big time today. I love her so much, I wish she was mine. When I lived there, she was my other half. We'd walk around camp together, run together, play together.
Her name is Ozzie, not after Ozzie Osbourne, but after Ozzie Smith - he played for the Cardinals. She is beautiful - a lab/border collie mix.
And I wanted to see her today bad. So off I went, back to the place that I seriously long for every day. I will never get over camp. Ever. It's one love that I refuse to let go of.
I pulled in through the gates, and immediately, just like every time, I was peaceful. I even got teary eyed - that's weird (not really) as I was driving back to the house. So many memories...so amazing.
And then there she was. Dancing, jumping, kissing.... now that is true unconditional love - she never forgets, and I love that. I took her for a walk, and it felt like I never left.
Isn't that what true friendship is? When you reconnect, you feel like you never left? You just pick right back up where you left off.
It was so good to be there today; totally what I needed. Getting free kisses from Oz is like a balm on my weary soul. I laughed and talked with Chance, and that is always entertaining.
And it sucked to leave. Like always. But that is one place that I know I am always allowed to go back to. That's the beauty of the place - you leave your mark on camp, and camp leaves it's mark on you - forever.
*sigh*
It was a great day today. And I am looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow.
Now, that's weird. ;)
September 1, 2008 pt 2
Yah, so I took a little trip today.
I was sitting here at home, thinking about things, remembering, dreaming, getting totally caught up in stuff, when I decided to go shopping.
Dangerous.
Then, as I was brushing my pearly whites, I was like, "Wait....I want to go see Ozzie."
Ozzie is my angel. She is Chance's dog. And I go out to camp to see her when I get the itch.
And I got the itch big time today. I love her so much, I wish she was mine. When I lived there, she was my other half. We'd walk around camp together, run together, play together.
Her name is Ozzie, not after Ozzie Osbourne, but after Ozzie Smith - he played for the Cardinals. She is beautiful - a lab/border collie mix.
And I wanted to see her today bad. So off I went, back to the place that I seriously long for every day. I will never get over camp. Ever. It's one love that I refuse to let go of.
I pulled in through the gates, and immediately, just like every time, I was peaceful. I even got teary eyed - that's weird (not really) as I was driving back to the house. So many memories...so amazing.
And then there she was. Dancing, jumping, kissing.... now that is true unconditional love - she never forgets, and I love that. I took her for a walk, and it felt like I never left.
Isn't that what true friendship is? When you reconnect, you feel like you never left? You just pick right back up where you left off.
It was so good to be there today; totally what I needed. Getting free kisses from Oz is like a balm on my weary soul. I laughed and talked with Chance, and that is always entertaining.
And it sucked to leave. Like always. But that is one place that I know I am always allowed to go back to. That's the beauty of the place - you leave your mark on camp, and camp leaves it's mark on you - forever.
*sigh*
It was a great day today. And I am looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow.
Now, that's weird. ;)
free
Sunday, August 31, 2008
August 31, 2008 pt 2
So, I just got back from the tanning place.
I walked in, and noticed that Kathy was there - who I like a lot. She's a sweet Georgia lady.
She said, "Oh, look at you! You look so good! Tan and glowing....what's going on with you? Your eyes....they are so bright! You're absolutely glowing!"
I just laughed; taken aback by her little outburst. I just grinned and said, "I dunno, I guess I got a lot of sleep last night??"
She started talking about her weekend, and I started thinking about me "glowing."
What?
Then it hit me.
My soul is free today, I'm full of hope.
She must have seen that in my eyes.
That made me smile; I like when I can express my soul without saying a word.
August 31, 2008 pt 2
So, I just got back from the tanning place.
I walked in, and noticed that Kathy was there - who I like a lot. She's a sweet Georgia lady.
She said, "Oh, look at you! You look so good! Tan and glowing....what's going on with you? Your eyes....they are so bright! You're absolutely glowing!"
I just laughed; taken aback by her little outburst. I just grinned and said, "I dunno, I guess I got a lot of sleep last night??"
She started talking about her weekend, and I started thinking about me "glowing."
What?
Then it hit me.
My soul is free today, I'm full of hope.
She must have seen that in my eyes.
That made me smile; I like when I can express my soul without saying a word.
expressions
August 31, 2008
I've been dancing lots already today. Even as I sit here and write this, I'm moving to the beat of whatever's playing.
My soul is free today.
I love the different forms of expression that joy and happiness takes. I have such an appreciation for the art of expression....dance, song, poetry, art, silence...
I took this Humanities class in college and was absolutely in LOVE. I adored dissecting art down to the bare bones and the naked truth. I was at Universal for my birthday, staying at Portofino Bay. It seriously made me want to go to Italy and stay there. It was amazing. There were all these little shops out on the water, and one was this amazing art store. I walked in there and spent at least an hour just walking around gazing at the different expressions from the depths of many souls. I walked around the corner and this one painting literally stole the breath right out of my body.
It was a painting of the Last Supper. But within the painting, were the stories of the Bible. Beginning at the top of the picture was Genesis, the creation, and working clockwise, ended with Revelation. It was quite possibly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I stood there and was amazed as I found the different stories - all painted into the Last Supper. It was done by a local artist, and I searched forever to find a picture of it online, to no avail. Honestly, my words do this painting no justice. It was such a wonderful expression.
I spend a lot of time alone these days. Mainly on the weekends. Throughout the week I'm with my guys, but then when the weekend rolls around, I've been spending more time alone. I'm definitely not secluding myself, by all means, I've just enjoyed the quiet moments that I've had to search my heart and soul and think and remember and wonder. It's been a wonderful time of solitude.
I've been feeling the urge to hop a plane and take a trip. Somewhere I've never been. There's so much out there that I want to see. If I had my way, I'd be writing for life, doing some travelling, experiencing life and being in constant awe of what other people have to offer, and writing about it. There really isn't anything holding me back - I just know that I'm not meant to do it alone.
Random fact about me:
I've got this....addiction to shampoo. A guy I dated laughed everytime I'd get a new shampoo; he always said it could be worse, I could be addicted to shoes. I just like getting new shampoo. I don't know why. I'm sure if I study it long enough, I can find some deep psychological reason why I get something different every time. But I try not to over analyze myself - that's the first thing I learned from majoring in Psych. My prof said that being a psych major, you will find some way to equate everything we study to yourself.
And I also like pairing the right wine with the right meal. It really does make a difference. ;)
So, last week I set out to fade this tattoo I got on my lower back. I got some TCA, mixed it up, and had one of my boys help me put it on. I had to do a spot test, so I put it on my wrist. I just looked down and the spot on my wrist is peeling pretty sweetly. I don't know how well it will work, but I was looking in the mirror at it the other day, and I was like wait, I got this tatt to express something I loved....why would I want to get rid of it? It is a little high on my lower back, but there really isn't anything I can do to change that. It was something I chose to express. And most of the time I forget it's there until someone sees it and asks what it is. Back when I was in college, for my 23rd birthday, I decided I wanted to get baseball in chinese tatted on my back. I seriously loved watching baseball - high school and in college. More than getting it tatted on, it holds a lot of memories for me. College games were so amazingly fun, hanging with my friends and cheering like crazy. It reminds me of college more than anything, especially the night we went to get it. So now, when people ask me what it is, I say, "It's baseball." Most of the time I get the, "That's pretty sweet" reaction, and sometimes I get, "Why would you get that?!" I love the game. Going to Turner Field for the first time - breathtaking. It's a part of my past, so now I'm rethinking fading it. I have a pretty sweet cross I'd like to get tatted there, but maybe I will put it somewhere else. I'm running out of places to put tatt's where they aren't super highly visible. For a long time, I was going to get "home" in hebrew tatted on the inside of my wrist. I went for "dance" in chinese tatted on my lower tummy by my hip bone instead. I love that tatt. That one means a lot to me; dance is free expression... "dance like no one is watching"...
Tatts....just another form of expression. Permanent, though.
I'm not even sure how I got to that. Ah, my peeling wrist.
Wow.
Done for now. Got some running around to do today.
PS - I'm pretty psyched that I don't have to work tomorrow. :)
I've been dancing lots already today. Even as I sit here and write this, I'm moving to the beat of whatever's playing.
My soul is free today.
I love the different forms of expression that joy and happiness takes. I have such an appreciation for the art of expression....dance, song, poetry, art, silence...
I took this Humanities class in college and was absolutely in LOVE. I adored dissecting art down to the bare bones and the naked truth. I was at Universal for my birthday, staying at Portofino Bay. It seriously made me want to go to Italy and stay there. It was amazing. There were all these little shops out on the water, and one was this amazing art store. I walked in there and spent at least an hour just walking around gazing at the different expressions from the depths of many souls. I walked around the corner and this one painting literally stole the breath right out of my body.
It was a painting of the Last Supper. But within the painting, were the stories of the Bible. Beginning at the top of the picture was Genesis, the creation, and working clockwise, ended with Revelation. It was quite possibly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I stood there and was amazed as I found the different stories - all painted into the Last Supper. It was done by a local artist, and I searched forever to find a picture of it online, to no avail. Honestly, my words do this painting no justice. It was such a wonderful expression.
I spend a lot of time alone these days. Mainly on the weekends. Throughout the week I'm with my guys, but then when the weekend rolls around, I've been spending more time alone. I'm definitely not secluding myself, by all means, I've just enjoyed the quiet moments that I've had to search my heart and soul and think and remember and wonder. It's been a wonderful time of solitude.
I've been feeling the urge to hop a plane and take a trip. Somewhere I've never been. There's so much out there that I want to see. If I had my way, I'd be writing for life, doing some travelling, experiencing life and being in constant awe of what other people have to offer, and writing about it. There really isn't anything holding me back - I just know that I'm not meant to do it alone.
Random fact about me:
I've got this....addiction to shampoo. A guy I dated laughed everytime I'd get a new shampoo; he always said it could be worse, I could be addicted to shoes. I just like getting new shampoo. I don't know why. I'm sure if I study it long enough, I can find some deep psychological reason why I get something different every time. But I try not to over analyze myself - that's the first thing I learned from majoring in Psych. My prof said that being a psych major, you will find some way to equate everything we study to yourself.
And I also like pairing the right wine with the right meal. It really does make a difference. ;)
So, last week I set out to fade this tattoo I got on my lower back. I got some TCA, mixed it up, and had one of my boys help me put it on. I had to do a spot test, so I put it on my wrist. I just looked down and the spot on my wrist is peeling pretty sweetly. I don't know how well it will work, but I was looking in the mirror at it the other day, and I was like wait, I got this tatt to express something I loved....why would I want to get rid of it? It is a little high on my lower back, but there really isn't anything I can do to change that. It was something I chose to express. And most of the time I forget it's there until someone sees it and asks what it is. Back when I was in college, for my 23rd birthday, I decided I wanted to get baseball in chinese tatted on my back. I seriously loved watching baseball - high school and in college. More than getting it tatted on, it holds a lot of memories for me. College games were so amazingly fun, hanging with my friends and cheering like crazy. It reminds me of college more than anything, especially the night we went to get it. So now, when people ask me what it is, I say, "It's baseball." Most of the time I get the, "That's pretty sweet" reaction, and sometimes I get, "Why would you get that?!" I love the game. Going to Turner Field for the first time - breathtaking. It's a part of my past, so now I'm rethinking fading it. I have a pretty sweet cross I'd like to get tatted there, but maybe I will put it somewhere else. I'm running out of places to put tatt's where they aren't super highly visible. For a long time, I was going to get "home" in hebrew tatted on the inside of my wrist. I went for "dance" in chinese tatted on my lower tummy by my hip bone instead. I love that tatt. That one means a lot to me; dance is free expression... "dance like no one is watching"...
Tatts....just another form of expression. Permanent, though.
I'm not even sure how I got to that. Ah, my peeling wrist.
Wow.
Done for now. Got some running around to do today.
PS - I'm pretty psyched that I don't have to work tomorrow. :)
YAHTZEE!
Friday, August 29, 2008
August 29, 2008
Hooray for a Holiday Weekend.
Much needed, fo sho. (So ghetto, I mean, seriosuly).
So, I wake up this morning and I'm all, "Why does my throat feel someone dumped sand down it?"
It only took about 4 seconds to remember that last night, during trivia, I was yelling and laughing super hard and loud.
So, at about 4 yesterday, which is when I haul tail from work, Evan's like "Come on, wait around. We'll go watch some football tonight." I got talked into it pretty quick, cause I didn't really want to go home and watch football by myself. So I worked for another 2 hours on top of that. And that's always amazing. LOTS.
We go to the restaurant and it's already pretty loud. Long story short, the hostess comes over and asks us if we want to play trivia, that the theme is Superhero stuff. I'm all, "YAH WE'RE IN! WOO!" At this point and time, the guys recall why they love and adore me so much. :D
The girl is like, "So what's your team name?" You'da thought she just asked us what year the democrat party was established. And these guys trying to make a decision on anything is like pulling teeth - hence me working an extra 2 hours prior to this little outing.
We became team IDK, because everyone just kept saying I don't know....sweet, we are on a ROLL, dude, we got this in the BAG...honestly.
Pretty sure the couple sitting beside us were the funniest people ever - Quad City DJ's comes on and they start busting out the train - and it might have been the funniest thing I've ever seen - other than Evan trying to dance. We became best friends with them ASAP - at least I did. I'm personable.
So - the first question was something like who played what character in some movie....and Evan is like "OH I GOT THIS!!!!" I am all excited on the edge of my stool, wagering all we got, and super pumped because we are going to get question one right and Josh interjects with "WILL SMITH!!!" hhhhmmmmm.
Not so much.
Evan says, "EVAN KOSMAC!""
Not so much.
I say, "Edward Norton!" (only after my new bff beside me tells me)
YAHTZEE!!!
We're on a roll. No pun intended.
I seriously was CRYING by the end of this game and team IDK only ended up with 340 points while the winners had about 1500.
We're awesome.
Honestly, don't be jealous.
So now I'm tired and have no voice and am pretty stoked about going to work.
WOO.
August 29, 2008
Hooray for a Holiday Weekend.
Much needed, fo sho. (So ghetto, I mean, seriosuly).
So, I wake up this morning and I'm all, "Why does my throat feel someone dumped sand down it?"
It only took about 4 seconds to remember that last night, during trivia, I was yelling and laughing super hard and loud.
So, at about 4 yesterday, which is when I haul tail from work, Evan's like "Come on, wait around. We'll go watch some football tonight." I got talked into it pretty quick, cause I didn't really want to go home and watch football by myself. So I worked for another 2 hours on top of that. And that's always amazing. LOTS.
We go to the restaurant and it's already pretty loud. Long story short, the hostess comes over and asks us if we want to play trivia, that the theme is Superhero stuff. I'm all, "YAH WE'RE IN! WOO!" At this point and time, the guys recall why they love and adore me so much. :D
The girl is like, "So what's your team name?" You'da thought she just asked us what year the democrat party was established. And these guys trying to make a decision on anything is like pulling teeth - hence me working an extra 2 hours prior to this little outing.
We became team IDK, because everyone just kept saying I don't know....sweet, we are on a ROLL, dude, we got this in the BAG...honestly.
Pretty sure the couple sitting beside us were the funniest people ever - Quad City DJ's comes on and they start busting out the train - and it might have been the funniest thing I've ever seen - other than Evan trying to dance. We became best friends with them ASAP - at least I did. I'm personable.
So - the first question was something like who played what character in some movie....and Evan is like "OH I GOT THIS!!!!" I am all excited on the edge of my stool, wagering all we got, and super pumped because we are going to get question one right and Josh interjects with "WILL SMITH!!!" hhhhmmmmm.
Not so much.
Evan says, "EVAN KOSMAC!""
Not so much.
I say, "Edward Norton!" (only after my new bff beside me tells me)
YAHTZEE!!!
We're on a roll. No pun intended.
I seriously was CRYING by the end of this game and team IDK only ended up with 340 points while the winners had about 1500.
We're awesome.
Honestly, don't be jealous.
So now I'm tired and have no voice and am pretty stoked about going to work.
WOO.
it all just stopped...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
August 28, 2008 pt 2
I was standing at the conference table, drawings spread out in front of me, making the appropriate notes at work today. I had my phone on the table – I needed some music while I worked, and I heard the message tone go off.
It was my roommate, who I haven't seen in about a month. I've known for a few months now that the lease would be up at the end of September, but at that time, there was an option to extend it if need be at the end of the month. So I grab my phone, thinking it was probably just a text from home, but it was the roommate telling me that the lease will end September 30th, and that was that. No extension. I stopped singing and I was like OH BOOOOOOOOOOO THUMBS DOWN. I mean, I've known for the last 5 months that I have one foot out the door anyway, but I've been waiting on a job to open up in Madison so I can move back there – and as I said earlier, nothing has opened up. I've been believing that if I keep stepping out in faith, God will meet me there. I was reminded of what I wrote earlier this morning – "Hold Fast"….and as I stood there with my phone in my hand, I tried to remind myself to just hold fast, help is on the way.
Some days it's pretty easy to get discouraged, since I haven't heard back from anything. I flew home in July for an interview, truly trusting that this was the open door I'd been waiting for. But, after about a week, I got a call saying that I'd be better suited for a different department and they would keep me posted if anything opened up. Blow for blow, I've been trying to stay positive and trusting.
Then it hit me a few mornings ago that maybe going back to Madison isn't part of the plan at all. That's what I want, but it may not be what God wants for me at all. I've had this….unsettled feeling in my heart and soul for quite some time now….that I'm not where I should be – physically. I love it here, I love the palm trees, I love the weather….but I'm ready to move on, go someplace else. I just have this kneejerk reaction to go home whenever I get unsettled – but this time, I've really made an attempt to get back there. And more times than not, I've wanted to just throw my stuff in the car and go, leave all the stuff behind that I don't need and just GO. And maybe it's fear that's keeping me from doing that. Maybe I'm not really stepping out in faith. I have a great job that pays really well and I have great benefits and a super bonus right around the corner, and I won't lie at all, I am a little afraid to give that up. And my daddy definitely doesn't want me doing anything without a job – and I trust his opinion lots.
So now I'm in the short rows, as he would say. I've got to make my mind up pretty quickly – I promised work I would give them 3 weeks notice if I was leaving so I could train the next person who was coming into my position, and now I have four weeks before the roof over my head is no more….
Tsk tsk. What to do….I'll admit, I have dragged my feet a little with this, but I was banking on having an extra 30 days at the end of September. Not so much….and I know I should have learned this by now….and maybe sometimes I trust too easily, but I want to have faith in others that when they say they will do something, they will come through with it.
Ah well. What's done is done. And now I gotta dig in deep and figure out what my next move is going to be…literally.
"Pile your troubles on God's shoulders—
he'll carry your load, he'll help you out.
He'll never let good people
topple into ruin." Psalm 55:22
August 28, 2008 pt 2
I was standing at the conference table, drawings spread out in front of me, making the appropriate notes at work today. I had my phone on the table – I needed some music while I worked, and I heard the message tone go off.
It was my roommate, who I haven't seen in about a month. I've known for a few months now that the lease would be up at the end of September, but at that time, there was an option to extend it if need be at the end of the month. So I grab my phone, thinking it was probably just a text from home, but it was the roommate telling me that the lease will end September 30th, and that was that. No extension. I stopped singing and I was like OH BOOOOOOOOOOO THUMBS DOWN. I mean, I've known for the last 5 months that I have one foot out the door anyway, but I've been waiting on a job to open up in Madison so I can move back there – and as I said earlier, nothing has opened up. I've been believing that if I keep stepping out in faith, God will meet me there. I was reminded of what I wrote earlier this morning – "Hold Fast"….and as I stood there with my phone in my hand, I tried to remind myself to just hold fast, help is on the way.
Some days it's pretty easy to get discouraged, since I haven't heard back from anything. I flew home in July for an interview, truly trusting that this was the open door I'd been waiting for. But, after about a week, I got a call saying that I'd be better suited for a different department and they would keep me posted if anything opened up. Blow for blow, I've been trying to stay positive and trusting.
Then it hit me a few mornings ago that maybe going back to Madison isn't part of the plan at all. That's what I want, but it may not be what God wants for me at all. I've had this….unsettled feeling in my heart and soul for quite some time now….that I'm not where I should be – physically. I love it here, I love the palm trees, I love the weather….but I'm ready to move on, go someplace else. I just have this kneejerk reaction to go home whenever I get unsettled – but this time, I've really made an attempt to get back there. And more times than not, I've wanted to just throw my stuff in the car and go, leave all the stuff behind that I don't need and just GO. And maybe it's fear that's keeping me from doing that. Maybe I'm not really stepping out in faith. I have a great job that pays really well and I have great benefits and a super bonus right around the corner, and I won't lie at all, I am a little afraid to give that up. And my daddy definitely doesn't want me doing anything without a job – and I trust his opinion lots.
So now I'm in the short rows, as he would say. I've got to make my mind up pretty quickly – I promised work I would give them 3 weeks notice if I was leaving so I could train the next person who was coming into my position, and now I have four weeks before the roof over my head is no more….
Tsk tsk. What to do….I'll admit, I have dragged my feet a little with this, but I was banking on having an extra 30 days at the end of September. Not so much….and I know I should have learned this by now….and maybe sometimes I trust too easily, but I want to have faith in others that when they say they will do something, they will come through with it.
Ah well. What's done is done. And now I gotta dig in deep and figure out what my next move is going to be…literally.
"Pile your troubles on God's shoulders—
he'll carry your load, he'll help you out.
He'll never let good people
topple into ruin." Psalm 55:22
hold fast
August 28, 2008
It is entirely too early to be up today.
It was one of those 'let's hit the snooze and see if we can cheat time' type of mornings this morning.
I've been haunted by this song. "Hold Fast" by MercyMe.
For the last 5 months I've been trying to move back home to my small little town nestled on the banks of the Ohio river.....I've been told I'm crazy. But it's where I long to be.
I'm a simple girl - people who know me can totally testify to that.
Every morning I turn on the TV to this Contemporary Christian station and get ready for the day. I leave it playing, so when I come home from work, it's already greeting me as I walk through the door.
And "Hold Fast" has followed me everywhere I go. Literally. I was standing in my kitchen one morning, just about to throw my hands up in the air and say I GIVE UP.....I was so tired of trying to find a job back home and coming up short - Hold Fast comes on.
Be still. Just be still.
After a particularly rough week at work, I walked through the door of this place with absolutely NO desire to be here. This has never been a home - just a roof over my head. I walked through the door - and as soon as I stepped over the threshold, God spoke to my heart and said, "I'm already here. Turn around. I'm there, too. I'm going before you, I'm behind you. No one can be against you."
Little moments like that blow me away. So even though I'm pretty worn out today and just want to crawl right back into bed.....I hear the whisper....."Hold Fast...."
It is entirely too early to be up today.
It was one of those 'let's hit the snooze and see if we can cheat time' type of mornings this morning.
I've been haunted by this song. "Hold Fast" by MercyMe.
For the last 5 months I've been trying to move back home to my small little town nestled on the banks of the Ohio river.....I've been told I'm crazy. But it's where I long to be.
I'm a simple girl - people who know me can totally testify to that.
Every morning I turn on the TV to this Contemporary Christian station and get ready for the day. I leave it playing, so when I come home from work, it's already greeting me as I walk through the door.
And "Hold Fast" has followed me everywhere I go. Literally. I was standing in my kitchen one morning, just about to throw my hands up in the air and say I GIVE UP.....I was so tired of trying to find a job back home and coming up short - Hold Fast comes on.
Be still. Just be still.
After a particularly rough week at work, I walked through the door of this place with absolutely NO desire to be here. This has never been a home - just a roof over my head. I walked through the door - and as soon as I stepped over the threshold, God spoke to my heart and said, "I'm already here. Turn around. I'm there, too. I'm going before you, I'm behind you. No one can be against you."
Little moments like that blow me away. So even though I'm pretty worn out today and just want to crawl right back into bed.....I hear the whisper....."Hold Fast...."
you've got magic inside your fingertips...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
All I see is your face...
I was singing super loud tonight - "Magic" by Colbie Caillat.
She makes ad-libbing pretty easy and fun.
Today was a pretty typical day for me. Woke up, started praying before my feet hit the floor, got ready, drove to the aeropeurto. Yep, that's spanish for airport, cause that's where I work.
I was even singing loud in the car this morning. Same song.
I like those mornings. Most mornings, I'm in a fog and I end up at work, and I'm like, wait.....how did I get here?
Not today.
Work was....work. Everyday is pretty fun with my guys. Some days I laugh so hard that tears are in my eyes, some days it's pretty quiet, some days it's pretty tense....but most day's it just plain super. I can't complain. I work with 8 guys all day that make me laugh and smile. I love what I do, I'm just not sure it's right for me. But all the same, I'm loving the memories I'm making with these dorks.
"I'm waiting for the right moment to jump in," Evan says.
"Dude, it's not freakin double dutch," Josh replies.
We were in Evan's truck going to Adobe Gilas for a farewell for our intern - he was going back to Indiana (I'm not jealous) and we all went to send him off proper. So, we're in Evan's truck on our way from the District office to this place, which was like 5 minutes down the road. How unfortunate for me that Josh goes with us, so I am squeezed in the front seat between Evan and Josh.....and there really isn't a middle seat. Totally comfy. LOTS.
We're driving. And a car full of.....guys pull up next to us. You could tell they had just finished working - there were at least 30 of them in this truck. Seriously. 30. But I'm not paying attention, which isn't surprising. I'm looking at Evan while he tries to be ghetto and I'm laughing. From last I saw, the windows were up, and Evan points to his right and Josh says, "HI BOYS..." Of course I look,jump about 40 inches off of my......seat? (seriously, 40) and TADA 30 faces are staring at me while I laugh and say quite loudly, OH MY GOSH!!!! cause I was totally freaked out, and the window was down all the way. Josh and Evan thought this was super hilarious - haha we punked Karen, and I just keep laughing. Well, then Evan, who was DJ master Flash, found a station with a dope beat, and I, DUH start dancing....Evan, out of the corner of my eye, starts to move just a bit, then pauses and starts moving his head like a turtle...I'm about to wet myself because he looks so....not amazing, and Josh is like WOW what a tool, and the previous conversation ensues when I asked Evan,
"WHAT are you doing?"
"I'm waiting for the right moment to jump in." Evan says.
"Dude, it's not freakin double dutch." Josh replies.
I am pretty sure I laughed for the entire 2 minute drive we had left to this place. And this, folks, is what I work with every day. No matter what we are doing, no matter what's going on......I can always count on laughing at something stupid they've said or we've done.
Even on the days that I have been off a little, not really psyched to be at work, and I have even declared that I WILL NOT LAUGH at anything they say or do.... those guys can figure out some way to make me laugh until it hurts.
And I appreciate it, seriously. I appreciate them poking me in the arm where it is quite apparent that I have a highly visible bruise and saying, "Does that hurt?" Or walking in at 7:01 am and being told that I am late, or pointing out the fact that I have a tiny zit on my chin, giving me a hard time when I make a minor mistake... Yah, I love them. Captain Obvious, all of em. I even appreciate being thrown under the bus...cause I know right after that we will all laugh and high five and celebrate our failures, together.
But they're my boys. And sometimes I can't imagine leaving them.
So today was just another day at the ol job. I laughed, I sat there in amazement, I got sidetracked - more than once, I tried to stay busy, I got distracted again, I worked, I smiled, I thought, I prayed, I failed, I dreamed, I watched, I picked myself up, I got hot, I cooled off, I told stories, I shared, I smiled, I ached, I accomplished things, I reminisced, I relaxed, I left.....
All in a days work.
And I sang. Through it all, I sang. I noticed all day today, I was singing, in my mind, under my breath, out loud.....
It was a good day.
All I see is your face...
I was singing super loud tonight - "Magic" by Colbie Caillat.
She makes ad-libbing pretty easy and fun.
Today was a pretty typical day for me. Woke up, started praying before my feet hit the floor, got ready, drove to the aeropeurto. Yep, that's spanish for airport, cause that's where I work.
I was even singing loud in the car this morning. Same song.
I like those mornings. Most mornings, I'm in a fog and I end up at work, and I'm like, wait.....how did I get here?
Not today.
Work was....work. Everyday is pretty fun with my guys. Some days I laugh so hard that tears are in my eyes, some days it's pretty quiet, some days it's pretty tense....but most day's it just plain super. I can't complain. I work with 8 guys all day that make me laugh and smile. I love what I do, I'm just not sure it's right for me. But all the same, I'm loving the memories I'm making with these dorks.
"I'm waiting for the right moment to jump in," Evan says.
"Dude, it's not freakin double dutch," Josh replies.
We were in Evan's truck going to Adobe Gilas for a farewell for our intern - he was going back to Indiana (I'm not jealous) and we all went to send him off proper. So, we're in Evan's truck on our way from the District office to this place, which was like 5 minutes down the road. How unfortunate for me that Josh goes with us, so I am squeezed in the front seat between Evan and Josh.....and there really isn't a middle seat. Totally comfy. LOTS.
We're driving. And a car full of.....guys pull up next to us. You could tell they had just finished working - there were at least 30 of them in this truck. Seriously. 30. But I'm not paying attention, which isn't surprising. I'm looking at Evan while he tries to be ghetto and I'm laughing. From last I saw, the windows were up, and Evan points to his right and Josh says, "HI BOYS..." Of course I look,jump about 40 inches off of my......seat? (seriously, 40) and TADA 30 faces are staring at me while I laugh and say quite loudly, OH MY GOSH!!!! cause I was totally freaked out, and the window was down all the way. Josh and Evan thought this was super hilarious - haha we punked Karen, and I just keep laughing. Well, then Evan, who was DJ master Flash, found a station with a dope beat, and I, DUH start dancing....Evan, out of the corner of my eye, starts to move just a bit, then pauses and starts moving his head like a turtle...I'm about to wet myself because he looks so....not amazing, and Josh is like WOW what a tool, and the previous conversation ensues when I asked Evan,
"WHAT are you doing?"
"I'm waiting for the right moment to jump in." Evan says.
"Dude, it's not freakin double dutch." Josh replies.
I am pretty sure I laughed for the entire 2 minute drive we had left to this place. And this, folks, is what I work with every day. No matter what we are doing, no matter what's going on......I can always count on laughing at something stupid they've said or we've done.
Even on the days that I have been off a little, not really psyched to be at work, and I have even declared that I WILL NOT LAUGH at anything they say or do.... those guys can figure out some way to make me laugh until it hurts.
And I appreciate it, seriously. I appreciate them poking me in the arm where it is quite apparent that I have a highly visible bruise and saying, "Does that hurt?" Or walking in at 7:01 am and being told that I am late, or pointing out the fact that I have a tiny zit on my chin, giving me a hard time when I make a minor mistake... Yah, I love them. Captain Obvious, all of em. I even appreciate being thrown under the bus...cause I know right after that we will all laugh and high five and celebrate our failures, together.
But they're my boys. And sometimes I can't imagine leaving them.
So today was just another day at the ol job. I laughed, I sat there in amazement, I got sidetracked - more than once, I tried to stay busy, I got distracted again, I worked, I smiled, I thought, I prayed, I failed, I dreamed, I watched, I picked myself up, I got hot, I cooled off, I told stories, I shared, I smiled, I ached, I accomplished things, I reminisced, I relaxed, I left.....
All in a days work.
And I sang. Through it all, I sang. I noticed all day today, I was singing, in my mind, under my breath, out loud.....
It was a good day.
who i am when i am real
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
August 26, 2008
For the last two nights I've been woken up by the same annoying noise….apparently the building across from mine thinks it's super appropriate to sound the fire alarm from 11:30 till about 2 ish just for kicks. BUT AHA! Lucky for them, I was already awake and went out on my porch to investigate this crazy sound coming from afar. I went and sat on my back porch and watched as angry tenants filed out from their condos. I could hear some kids crying and parents talking and I felt bad for the poor people. It reminded me of my first year in college – literally the first week I was there, the fire alarm went off every night for 4 days. We were PSYCHED.
I made my way back inside while the alarm and the strobes still were going off and sat there on my couch for awhile. Sleep was far from me again tonight and it amazed me that while I sat there I wasn't even remotely tired. I tried everything I could to get tired –all to no avail. So I retreated back to tossing and turning. All too soon, my alarm went off and I definitely wasn't ready for it. I closed my eyes….just ten more minutes. Somehow I rolled my sorry tail right outta bed and still made it to work on time, and looking presentable to boot.
And of course it would be a slow day! Other than attempting to put some TCA on a tatt I'm trying to fade out (which was an adventure in itself), I haven't done much but write and think and think and write, file, file, file, print, copy, walk around the airport some, and add some contacts into my boss' outlook. Busy day…LOTS.
I never thought I'd be a 9-5 type of girl, and here I sit. I want to be travelling and seeing different places and different people…how that equates into my future, I'm not really sure, but it's in my heart. I had different dreams back when I was in high school – I wanted to teach creative writing to high school students. I went to college for a semester and was majoring in English – then life, as I remembered, shattered. I completed my first semester at school and felt as though I did a really good job – the school was pretty tough – and I kept right up with everyone else. Then, a string of events changed everything for me – literally. For the next 7 months, 9 people passed away; friends and family. There was a time where 3 passed in three weeks – one each week, 2 in 2 weeks, and it literally felt like every time I turned around I was at the funeral home or at a funeral.
I remember breaking down one Sunday at church after about the 6th month of loss. I walked through the doors and had a call on my cell phone from home. I went around the corner to make the call and found out that a teacher at my junior high had passed away. I had become so numb at this point that I just sort of blindly hung up the phone and went right back to the service. God decided to break me – I had put my tears and my pain aside so that I could be there for the kids who had lost classmates and for my family who lost family members… I felt like such a zombie that day. I was just going through the motions when this overwhelming pain came over me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and saw the ghost of someone I used to know. My eyes were full of pain, I had dark circles, I hadn't eaten right in weeks, and I looked like someone had taken me out to the yard to fight. And in a way, that was the truth. I just didn't have on the correct armor and I didn't understand why it was happening. As I stood there in the bathroom – I felt like my heart was shattering into a million pieces. I'm sure other people have experienced this at some time in their life – grief so heavy that when you cry, it literally comes from your toes. I was crying so hard, that I couldn't even take a breath, and no noise was being made. I remember sinking to the floor, a pile of hurt and wonder. I remember hands being laid on me and prayers being lifted and I think I stayed in there for awhile. I remember my lil sis coming in and wrapping her arms around me- in a weird twist of roles. I finally found the strength to stand, went back to the service, and was renewed in my spirit. I remember spending the rest of that day with the kids from youth, taking them around town to deliver pizzas, singing loud in the car, and laughing. All the while, in the back of my head and heart, I hurt. I didn't understand. I didn't get it, and I didn't want to go through it anymore. I quit school. I was angry. I was broken. I was bleeding inside and didn't have any idea how to stop it. I yelled at God, I screamed in agony most nights because I was too afraid to sleep, too afraid of the dark, too afraid of the haunting memories, too afraid to find rest. I started to memorize Psalm 23, I read the bible constantly it seemed. I was so bitter and cold. The dreams that I had were slowly starting to diminish. I remember crying to God, asking WHY, why WHY why was I being tested like this? He simply answered by saying, "I'm refining you."
It has been a long road. That was 8 years ago. I ran away from home, so to speak. I ran away from the town that haunted me for so long. For the best part of a year, my hometown haunted me with so many ghosts, and I didn't know what else to do but leave. I was being called to Southeastern College in Lakeland FL and I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore. I also knew the biggest test would be telling my mom and dad that I wanted to move far away. When I told my parents that I really wanted to go to school, and that the school I needed to be at was in FL, they were silenced for a moment. Then my mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "We know that's where you are supposed to be. We want you to go." That was the confirmation I needed that I was headed in the right direction. So I packed up and in January made my move. I became absolutely immersed in psychology and grief and mourning and how we deal with these things – and God started moving and stirring me to share my story with others. As I learned how and why I and many others reacted to death's caustic bite, I was amazed. There are so many faces of grief – we even experience it on a daily basis. God whispered gently to me, "Remember, I am refining you." At some point, I realized why. This is why – God wanted to break me so that I could sympathize with others who experience life. :) I decided I wanted to go into grief counseling. I felt like that was my calling – whether on a professional level or not.
The first time I shared my story, I was literally weak in the knees and a little nauseated at the thought of standing up and showing my scars to everyone. I've never had a problem with public speaking, in fact, it was broken off of me long ago at church, and I actually enjoyed being on stage and talking – I always felt like I was at a huge family gathering and I was just sharing my heart with my folks. So when my psych professor asked if I would be willing to share with the class about my experience, my first inclination was to say no and run. But I said yes. I had no idea what I would say or how I would present it or how I would begin…so I just prayed and let it be. I remember thinking it was the longest walk EVER from my table to the front of the classroom, and I could literally hear my heart pounding in my ears. I just didn't want to stand up there and cry. I turned around and looked at the eager faces of my classmates and felt this overwhelming surge of peace and love – they needed to hear what I had to say more than I needed to hang on to it and keep it a secret.
I opened my mouth and it all came pouring out and I did cry, and so did everyone else. I wasn't alone. Just a few weeks before that, a classmate of ours was killed in a car accident, so a lot of the people sitting in that class were experiencing fresh grief – and they needed to see that someone had made it through. The more I talked, the better I felt and the more glory I gave to God, the more hope I could feel rising in my spirit.
I've shared my story now in many different situations, and each time I do, it gets easier and easier to talk about. And of course the scars are still there – but the wounds are gone. The raw pain that I felt for a long time has since been covered.
It reminds me that the brokenness that I have felt so far in my life always happens for a reason. And even though the hardest part is standing in the valley wondering when I'm going to catch a glimpse of the mountain, I remember that God's ways are way higher than mine. My understanding of situations has nothing on what He is doing and is able to accomplish.
God collects the broken pieces. He is the only one who can put them together. We all have a broken, imperfect path. But when God is allowed to step in, He can take all of those broken pieces and make a wonderful masterpiece out of them – and then He desires us to share it with everyone else.
I believe people will come into our lives and glance at our masterpiece, others will desire to add to it, some will simply relate because a certain piece catches their eye, and there will be one that will say, "Hey….my broken pieces fit perfectly with yours…" and then, God begins a new masterpiece.
Remember how Thomas recognized Jesus? By His scars. Our scars are there for a reason - so other's can recognize Him, too.
" For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Is. 55:9
August 26, 2008
For the last two nights I've been woken up by the same annoying noise….apparently the building across from mine thinks it's super appropriate to sound the fire alarm from 11:30 till about 2 ish just for kicks. BUT AHA! Lucky for them, I was already awake and went out on my porch to investigate this crazy sound coming from afar. I went and sat on my back porch and watched as angry tenants filed out from their condos. I could hear some kids crying and parents talking and I felt bad for the poor people. It reminded me of my first year in college – literally the first week I was there, the fire alarm went off every night for 4 days. We were PSYCHED.
I made my way back inside while the alarm and the strobes still were going off and sat there on my couch for awhile. Sleep was far from me again tonight and it amazed me that while I sat there I wasn't even remotely tired. I tried everything I could to get tired –all to no avail. So I retreated back to tossing and turning. All too soon, my alarm went off and I definitely wasn't ready for it. I closed my eyes….just ten more minutes. Somehow I rolled my sorry tail right outta bed and still made it to work on time, and looking presentable to boot.
And of course it would be a slow day! Other than attempting to put some TCA on a tatt I'm trying to fade out (which was an adventure in itself), I haven't done much but write and think and think and write, file, file, file, print, copy, walk around the airport some, and add some contacts into my boss' outlook. Busy day…LOTS.
I never thought I'd be a 9-5 type of girl, and here I sit. I want to be travelling and seeing different places and different people…how that equates into my future, I'm not really sure, but it's in my heart. I had different dreams back when I was in high school – I wanted to teach creative writing to high school students. I went to college for a semester and was majoring in English – then life, as I remembered, shattered. I completed my first semester at school and felt as though I did a really good job – the school was pretty tough – and I kept right up with everyone else. Then, a string of events changed everything for me – literally. For the next 7 months, 9 people passed away; friends and family. There was a time where 3 passed in three weeks – one each week, 2 in 2 weeks, and it literally felt like every time I turned around I was at the funeral home or at a funeral.
I remember breaking down one Sunday at church after about the 6th month of loss. I walked through the doors and had a call on my cell phone from home. I went around the corner to make the call and found out that a teacher at my junior high had passed away. I had become so numb at this point that I just sort of blindly hung up the phone and went right back to the service. God decided to break me – I had put my tears and my pain aside so that I could be there for the kids who had lost classmates and for my family who lost family members… I felt like such a zombie that day. I was just going through the motions when this overwhelming pain came over me. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and saw the ghost of someone I used to know. My eyes were full of pain, I had dark circles, I hadn't eaten right in weeks, and I looked like someone had taken me out to the yard to fight. And in a way, that was the truth. I just didn't have on the correct armor and I didn't understand why it was happening. As I stood there in the bathroom – I felt like my heart was shattering into a million pieces. I'm sure other people have experienced this at some time in their life – grief so heavy that when you cry, it literally comes from your toes. I was crying so hard, that I couldn't even take a breath, and no noise was being made. I remember sinking to the floor, a pile of hurt and wonder. I remember hands being laid on me and prayers being lifted and I think I stayed in there for awhile. I remember my lil sis coming in and wrapping her arms around me- in a weird twist of roles. I finally found the strength to stand, went back to the service, and was renewed in my spirit. I remember spending the rest of that day with the kids from youth, taking them around town to deliver pizzas, singing loud in the car, and laughing. All the while, in the back of my head and heart, I hurt. I didn't understand. I didn't get it, and I didn't want to go through it anymore. I quit school. I was angry. I was broken. I was bleeding inside and didn't have any idea how to stop it. I yelled at God, I screamed in agony most nights because I was too afraid to sleep, too afraid of the dark, too afraid of the haunting memories, too afraid to find rest. I started to memorize Psalm 23, I read the bible constantly it seemed. I was so bitter and cold. The dreams that I had were slowly starting to diminish. I remember crying to God, asking WHY, why WHY why was I being tested like this? He simply answered by saying, "I'm refining you."
It has been a long road. That was 8 years ago. I ran away from home, so to speak. I ran away from the town that haunted me for so long. For the best part of a year, my hometown haunted me with so many ghosts, and I didn't know what else to do but leave. I was being called to Southeastern College in Lakeland FL and I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore. I also knew the biggest test would be telling my mom and dad that I wanted to move far away. When I told my parents that I really wanted to go to school, and that the school I needed to be at was in FL, they were silenced for a moment. Then my mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "We know that's where you are supposed to be. We want you to go." That was the confirmation I needed that I was headed in the right direction. So I packed up and in January made my move. I became absolutely immersed in psychology and grief and mourning and how we deal with these things – and God started moving and stirring me to share my story with others. As I learned how and why I and many others reacted to death's caustic bite, I was amazed. There are so many faces of grief – we even experience it on a daily basis. God whispered gently to me, "Remember, I am refining you." At some point, I realized why. This is why – God wanted to break me so that I could sympathize with others who experience life. :) I decided I wanted to go into grief counseling. I felt like that was my calling – whether on a professional level or not.
The first time I shared my story, I was literally weak in the knees and a little nauseated at the thought of standing up and showing my scars to everyone. I've never had a problem with public speaking, in fact, it was broken off of me long ago at church, and I actually enjoyed being on stage and talking – I always felt like I was at a huge family gathering and I was just sharing my heart with my folks. So when my psych professor asked if I would be willing to share with the class about my experience, my first inclination was to say no and run. But I said yes. I had no idea what I would say or how I would present it or how I would begin…so I just prayed and let it be. I remember thinking it was the longest walk EVER from my table to the front of the classroom, and I could literally hear my heart pounding in my ears. I just didn't want to stand up there and cry. I turned around and looked at the eager faces of my classmates and felt this overwhelming surge of peace and love – they needed to hear what I had to say more than I needed to hang on to it and keep it a secret.
I opened my mouth and it all came pouring out and I did cry, and so did everyone else. I wasn't alone. Just a few weeks before that, a classmate of ours was killed in a car accident, so a lot of the people sitting in that class were experiencing fresh grief – and they needed to see that someone had made it through. The more I talked, the better I felt and the more glory I gave to God, the more hope I could feel rising in my spirit.
I've shared my story now in many different situations, and each time I do, it gets easier and easier to talk about. And of course the scars are still there – but the wounds are gone. The raw pain that I felt for a long time has since been covered.
It reminds me that the brokenness that I have felt so far in my life always happens for a reason. And even though the hardest part is standing in the valley wondering when I'm going to catch a glimpse of the mountain, I remember that God's ways are way higher than mine. My understanding of situations has nothing on what He is doing and is able to accomplish.
God collects the broken pieces. He is the only one who can put them together. We all have a broken, imperfect path. But when God is allowed to step in, He can take all of those broken pieces and make a wonderful masterpiece out of them – and then He desires us to share it with everyone else.
I believe people will come into our lives and glance at our masterpiece, others will desire to add to it, some will simply relate because a certain piece catches their eye, and there will be one that will say, "Hey….my broken pieces fit perfectly with yours…" and then, God begins a new masterpiece.
Remember how Thomas recognized Jesus? By His scars. Our scars are there for a reason - so other's can recognize Him, too.
" For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Is. 55:9
Second Chances....
Second Chances...
She sits in the same corner booth each Saturday
Drinks her coffee black and never looks his way
He can tell today she is trying not to break
She looks at the waitress with a smile that seems strained
He watches her while she writes and can see
Although tears fill her eyes she's trying to break free
The way the sun spills on her face…
He wonders if she knows he's in this place
She's beautiful and he longs to keep her safe
Give her his heart, he knows no other way
He longs for her to recognize his eyes
When her tears fall, his heart starts to cry
She picks up her coffee and closes her eyes
He can tell that her soul has started to sigh
She leans her head back and he sees her smile
He wonders if she can tell that he's nearby
He'd give anything to hold her hand one more time
To hear her say everything will be fine…
It's been years since he's been around
But she can still remember the sound
Of his voice calling her to come down
The feel of his hand in hers, the love that they found
She leans her head back and she starts to smile
She longed to see him just for awhile
The waitress stopped by to give her the check
He wondered how much time he had left
He was catching a plane to head out west
He checked his watch; it was quarter to ten
He cried out, gained strength in his soul
He wouldn't let her leave without letting her know
She gathered her bags and checked her phone
She had one hour before she had to go
She cried out, gained strength in her soul
She didn't want to leave here without letting him know
She sighed and told herself she did her best
Now it was up to God to do the rest…
AND I GOT WRITERS BLOCK….but maybe this is how it ends….we don't know if they meet that day in the coffee shop.
Hmmmmmmm this could be how it was meant to be….
Who knows...maybe I will revisit this and finish it. ;)
She sits in the same corner booth each Saturday
Drinks her coffee black and never looks his way
He can tell today she is trying not to break
She looks at the waitress with a smile that seems strained
He watches her while she writes and can see
Although tears fill her eyes she's trying to break free
The way the sun spills on her face…
He wonders if she knows he's in this place
She's beautiful and he longs to keep her safe
Give her his heart, he knows no other way
He longs for her to recognize his eyes
When her tears fall, his heart starts to cry
She picks up her coffee and closes her eyes
He can tell that her soul has started to sigh
She leans her head back and he sees her smile
He wonders if she can tell that he's nearby
He'd give anything to hold her hand one more time
To hear her say everything will be fine…
It's been years since he's been around
But she can still remember the sound
Of his voice calling her to come down
The feel of his hand in hers, the love that they found
She leans her head back and she starts to smile
She longed to see him just for awhile
The waitress stopped by to give her the check
He wondered how much time he had left
He was catching a plane to head out west
He checked his watch; it was quarter to ten
He cried out, gained strength in his soul
He wouldn't let her leave without letting her know
She gathered her bags and checked her phone
She had one hour before she had to go
She cried out, gained strength in her soul
She didn't want to leave here without letting him know
She sighed and told herself she did her best
Now it was up to God to do the rest…
AND I GOT WRITERS BLOCK….but maybe this is how it ends….we don't know if they meet that day in the coffee shop.
Hmmmmmmm this could be how it was meant to be….
Who knows...maybe I will revisit this and finish it. ;)
i know how many times i've failed you
Monday, August 25, 2008
August 25, 2008
So I was getting ready for work this morning and thinking about random things. Yesterday this line popped in my head, "I'm not keeping score, but I know how many times I've failed you…" Sometimes it just starts with one bad choice and escalates and snowballs. I started thinking about how many times I've failed in my past. What's so wonderful about my failures is that no matter if I can remember them all or not, God has no record. None. As soon as forgiveness is asked for, He wipes it away –He doesn't keep score. I think sometimes for us it's hard to grasp onto that – and the devil likes to try to bring up things from our past to keep us insecure. I had heard for so long from so many different people, that before I can truly love someone else, I have to love myself. I would look in the mirror and think "I DO love myself….right? So why can't I find someone to share it with?" One morning, years ago, I woke up out of dead sleep, sat up in bed and thought "What am I doing? This isn't right….who have I become?" I went and looked in the mirror and had NO idea who I was looking at. Somewhere along the way, I had lost sight of who I was, who God was shaping me to be. The devil kept telling me that I was a failure and to just stay where I was, because this was as good as it was going to get. I knew in my heart that the dreams God had given me were so much better than what I had settled for. Yet I continued to struggle – I kept thinking I would find my worth, but I kept looking in the wrong places. I can look back now and realize that it was always right in front of me, but for whatever reason, I wasn't ready to fully understand my worth in my heavenly Father. He kept calling me away, begging me to turn from the path I was on, and I kept ignoring it. And the amazingly wonderful thing about that was He knew exactly what I would do, exactly how I would react, and exactly how long it would take before I recognized the love and unconditional acceptance of Him.
And He did it again. I woke up out of a dead sleep, and I thought, "What am I doing? This isn't right. Who have I become?" That day I surrendered everything over. I was so tired of running. I was beat down by words used by others to completely destroy my self-esteem and my self-worth. I looked in the mirror that day, and instead of thinking I was ugly, and I needed to lose weight, and I need to work out more, I really studied what was in front of me. "I am His, and no matter what, He thinks this is beauty." It's taken a long time to trust and accept that, and even this morning as I was getting ready for work, I looked in the mirror and thought, "Huh….I am happy with who I am, with who I am becoming. This is right." I feel secure, and confident. I know where my worth is. I know that the path I've taken to get here may not be the most beautiful thing in the world, but in reality, to God – the broken path IS wonderful to Him. It gives Him every opportunity to show us His amazing grace and mercy – how He can even take a broken spirit and turn into something beautiful and wonderful.
My heart is full. I know that God is preparing me- and I can feel it this time- He is getting me ready to be the wife and companion that I was created to be. And honestly, nothing excites me more. I wonder sometimes, if I have passed my future husband on the street, if I have heard his voice already, if I have looked into his eyes before….and it makes me happy to know that what God has promised, He will bring to pass. I've dreamed of becoming a wife, and I know that now….He is creating in me a heart that is so ready to love unconditionally. I wasn't ready before now.
And that's been a part of His plan all along.
"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."
August 25, 2008
So I was getting ready for work this morning and thinking about random things. Yesterday this line popped in my head, "I'm not keeping score, but I know how many times I've failed you…" Sometimes it just starts with one bad choice and escalates and snowballs. I started thinking about how many times I've failed in my past. What's so wonderful about my failures is that no matter if I can remember them all or not, God has no record. None. As soon as forgiveness is asked for, He wipes it away –He doesn't keep score. I think sometimes for us it's hard to grasp onto that – and the devil likes to try to bring up things from our past to keep us insecure. I had heard for so long from so many different people, that before I can truly love someone else, I have to love myself. I would look in the mirror and think "I DO love myself….right? So why can't I find someone to share it with?" One morning, years ago, I woke up out of dead sleep, sat up in bed and thought "What am I doing? This isn't right….who have I become?" I went and looked in the mirror and had NO idea who I was looking at. Somewhere along the way, I had lost sight of who I was, who God was shaping me to be. The devil kept telling me that I was a failure and to just stay where I was, because this was as good as it was going to get. I knew in my heart that the dreams God had given me were so much better than what I had settled for. Yet I continued to struggle – I kept thinking I would find my worth, but I kept looking in the wrong places. I can look back now and realize that it was always right in front of me, but for whatever reason, I wasn't ready to fully understand my worth in my heavenly Father. He kept calling me away, begging me to turn from the path I was on, and I kept ignoring it. And the amazingly wonderful thing about that was He knew exactly what I would do, exactly how I would react, and exactly how long it would take before I recognized the love and unconditional acceptance of Him.
And He did it again. I woke up out of a dead sleep, and I thought, "What am I doing? This isn't right. Who have I become?" That day I surrendered everything over. I was so tired of running. I was beat down by words used by others to completely destroy my self-esteem and my self-worth. I looked in the mirror that day, and instead of thinking I was ugly, and I needed to lose weight, and I need to work out more, I really studied what was in front of me. "I am His, and no matter what, He thinks this is beauty." It's taken a long time to trust and accept that, and even this morning as I was getting ready for work, I looked in the mirror and thought, "Huh….I am happy with who I am, with who I am becoming. This is right." I feel secure, and confident. I know where my worth is. I know that the path I've taken to get here may not be the most beautiful thing in the world, but in reality, to God – the broken path IS wonderful to Him. It gives Him every opportunity to show us His amazing grace and mercy – how He can even take a broken spirit and turn into something beautiful and wonderful.
My heart is full. I know that God is preparing me- and I can feel it this time- He is getting me ready to be the wife and companion that I was created to be. And honestly, nothing excites me more. I wonder sometimes, if I have passed my future husband on the street, if I have heard his voice already, if I have looked into his eyes before….and it makes me happy to know that what God has promised, He will bring to pass. I've dreamed of becoming a wife, and I know that now….He is creating in me a heart that is so ready to love unconditionally. I wasn't ready before now.
And that's been a part of His plan all along.
"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."
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