i know how many times i've failed you

Monday, August 25, 2008  
August 25, 2008 

So I was getting ready for work this morning and thinking about random things. Yesterday this line popped in my head, "I'm not keeping score, but I know how many times I've failed you…" Sometimes it just starts with one bad choice and escalates and snowballs. I started thinking about how many times I've failed in my past. What's so wonderful about my failures is that no matter if I can remember them all or not, God has no record. None. As soon as forgiveness is asked for, He wipes it away –He doesn't keep score. I think sometimes for us it's hard to grasp onto that – and the devil likes to try to bring up things from our past to keep us insecure. I had heard for so long from so many different people, that before I can truly love someone else, I have to love myself. I would look in the mirror and think "I DO love myself….right? So why can't I find someone to share it with?" One morning, years ago, I woke up out of dead sleep, sat up in bed and thought "What am I doing? This isn't right….who have I become?" I went and looked in the mirror and had NO idea who I was looking at. Somewhere along the way, I had lost sight of who I was, who God was shaping me to be. The devil kept telling me that I was a failure and to just stay where I was, because this was as good as it was going to get. I knew in my heart that the dreams God had given me were so much better than what I had settled for. Yet I continued to struggle – I kept thinking I would find my worth, but I kept looking in the wrong places. I can look back now and realize that it was always right in front of me, but for whatever reason, I wasn't ready to fully understand my worth in my heavenly Father. He kept calling me away, begging me to turn from the path I was on, and I kept ignoring it. And the amazingly wonderful thing about that was He knew exactly what I would do, exactly how I would react, and exactly how long it would take before I recognized the love and unconditional acceptance of Him. 

And He did it again. I woke up out of a dead sleep, and I thought, "What am I doing? This isn't right. Who have I become?" That day I surrendered everything over. I was so tired of running. I was beat down by words used by others to completely destroy my self-esteem and my self-worth. I looked in the mirror that day, and instead of thinking I was ugly, and I needed to lose weight, and I need to work out more, I really studied what was in front of me. "I am His, and no matter what, He thinks this is beauty." It's taken a long time to trust and accept that, and even this morning as I was getting ready for work, I looked in the mirror and thought, "Huh….I am happy with who I am, with who I am becoming. This is right." I feel secure, and confident. I know where my worth is. I know that the path I've taken to get here may not be the most beautiful thing in the world, but in reality, to God – the broken path IS wonderful to Him. It gives Him every opportunity to show us His amazing grace and mercy – how He can even take a broken spirit and turn into something beautiful and wonderful.

My heart is full. I know that God is preparing me- and I can feel it this time- He is getting me ready to be the wife and companion that I was created to be. And honestly, nothing excites me more. I wonder sometimes, if I have passed my future husband on the street, if I have heard his voice already, if I have looked into his eyes before….and it makes me happy to know that what God has promised, He will bring to pass. I've dreamed of becoming a wife, and I know that now….He is creating in me a heart that is so ready to love unconditionally. I wasn't ready before now. 

And that's been a part of His plan all along.




"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it."