this journey...

So, I'm working on my bucket list. I started one a few months back, but it was pretty lame. I'm doing a revision.

My right eye won't stop twitching today. I think I read once that it has to do with caffeine or stress or lack of sleep or something like that. Whatever. It's annoying.

So last night I was laying in my bed trying to fall asleep. It was pretty late, and I should have passed right out, but instead, I just layed there. I tossed and turned and tried to get in a comfortable position, but something was nagging me. Sometimes I think it's where I live...I've never been really happy living there, but now that I've lived there for so long, it just sort of works. I'm also in a position where I can't really make a move until I know for sure what is going to be happening with my job in the next 6 months or so. It wouldn't make any sense to break my lease and sign a new one when I have no idea where I am going to be.

So I switched positions again, and this overwhelming urge to cry out to God swept over me almost exactly as it had a few nights ago. Except this time, the urgency I felt was different. I don't know how to explain it exactly...

When I get frustrated, I cry.

And I was frustrated in that moment. And I let that frustration fuel me. I let it course through my veins and when the tears came, I let them go. I really let them go.

I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I was frustrated. It made me think about a scripture...something about the flood of my tears....

Which made me more frustrated that I was frustrated and that I was crying. I finally opened my mouth and said it. I told God I was frustrated. That I didn't understand what was going on. And that's all I could say....that I didn't understand. Between my tears, I just kept saying, "I don't understand..."

"But I do."

I don't understand, but You do.

And then I prayed.

I woke up this morning and I realized that something was happening. My attention was being caught and it wasn't coincidence. I knew better than to believe in coincidence.

I also know that what's happening is right...and despite being tired and worn out, despite the tears, it's okay. He's trying to catch me.

My BFF just text me and said the most amazing thing. When I told her that I've been doing so much thinking and I didn't know what else to do but to turn it over...she said, "And I think that's such a genuine, perfect place to be. He just wants to know you still want Him there next to you."

Beautiful.

And how humbling is that? It brought tears to my eyes to think of Jesus standing before me and looking me in the eye and saying, "Do you still want me to stand next to you?"

Of course I do.

Of course I do.