"...everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith somehow..."

A few nights ago I walked into my room and was making my way to the windows to close the blinds, when I was halted and fell to my knees.

I hung my head, amazed at how I couldn't even take another step without dropping to my knees first.

And that's when the tears fell.

I couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around what it was that I was feeling - all I knew was that if I didn't stop and turn it over, it would eat me alive. A thought had crossed my mind earlier that evening, and instead of just letting it pass, my ego decided that it should hang on to it and keep flashing it across my brain as if the thought were of my own creation, when it wasn't at all.

The mind is a funny thing.

As I was on my knees, one thought occured to me as I sat there with my head hanging and tears falling.... "Where did that girl go?" I just sat there and cried. In a matter of seconds, the last 10 years of my life seemed to flash before my eyes and it was like I was watching the fall of myself. All of those negative things that I was told suddenly came back into my mind... Where did that girl go that used to rush to His feet to lay it down and actually LEAVE it there, believing in faith that He was in complete control? Where did she go? "Lean not on your own understanding. Lean not...lean not...lean not...." It kept repeating in my head. What scripture was that?

I eventually got back on my feet. And the questions started whirring around in my brain. How did I let things go back then? Do I even remember how to do it now? Why did I even let those thoughts come into my brain? How did they even get there? What was going on that was causing my heart to feel so heavy?

I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the picture that is in my bookcase and I felt the tears still streaming down my face...you don't deserve any of this happiness. You don't deserve anything. What makes you think you are good enough? You're not. You don't. You don't.

I shook my head. No.

Where did that girl go?

Then I felt in my heart, "Proverbs." Oh. Ok. So I grabbed my Bible. I wiped the tears haphazardly from my face, and sat down. Sooo...... Proverbs? I started thumbing through the chapters and read verses here and there but I had no idea why I was there.

Eventually it hit me out of nowhere....Proverbs 3:5-6.

More tears. I don't deserve this. How is that He is so good to me?

I got to the chapter and read the verses:
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track."

I'm notorious for trying to figure things out on my own. And God knows that. I reread those words again and again. I spent the rest of the night contemplating and throwing questions out, and tears kept coming, and I begged for some sort of release.

At some point in the night, I must have finally fallen asleep. I woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off and I laid there and gazed up at my ceiling with zero desire to get out of my bed. But, I realized it was Friday, it would be a relatively easy day at work, and then I had the weekend ahead of me to look forward to. Somehow, I made it through my morning routine and made my way to OIA.

I was sitting at my desk at work that morning when an email popped up from a friend back home - she has known me since I was 8 years old, my parents and hers are best friends, and they are more like family to us than anything. I hadn't heard from her in months. Her and her hubby and kids were on their way down to Orlando, and she was asking a few questions about things, how I was doing, etc. So I'm reading, and I get to the last line of her email which says, "You deserve all the happiness in the world!"

God is amazing. I do, don't I?

I went through the rest of the day trying to get my heart and my soul to grasp back on to the truth that I do deserve the best, that I do deserve happiness. Isn't it crazy that in one instant....in a mess of negative thoughts, the grip I had on everything started slipping? I wasn't going to have it. I knew I'd get over whatever this was, but man, I was struggling...

At the end of the day, I gathered my stuff and was heading out the door when the guys said they were headed upstairs to Fox Sports to get a few drinks and unwind. "You stickin around, Gorbett?"

Why not?

We were laughing and sharing stories and cheers'd to never leaving the airport. I was leaned back in my chair people watching and was kind of removed from the conversation the guys were having...they were talking about drains and ladders and steel and I zoned out.

I saw his ACU's out of the corner of my eye, and I watched as he made his way to the bar and took a seat next to a gentleman already sitting there. Of course, in that moment, my thoughts went halfway around the world, and a smile played on my lips...which didn't go unnoticed. Josh punched my arm, "Hey doucher, where are you?"

"Right here Josh! Hangin out!" He patted my shoulder and just smiled. He's good like that.

They returned to their conversation which now had turned to guns and Poppy's newest tater gun that he just finished. The soldier at the bar overheard their loud mouths and made his way over to our table and talked guns with them for awhile. I ordered him a shot, and he expressed his thanks and pulled up a chair. He asked us what we did, he looked at all of our shirts and realized we worked for a construction company and wanted to know how I fit in the mix with these guys. Of course, all the guys start chiming in and giving their opinions about how I fit in, and he just looked at me and laughed...."And you look so sweet and innocent!" We all got rowdy and loud and tossed stories back and forth, he took a double shot of whiskey, and headed off to catch his flight. I told him I appreciated his service and wished him safe travels, and the guys got all manly and started doing fist bumps and high fives and handshakes and patted him on the back as well. Another round, and then I headed home.

I changed out of my work clothes into some comfy pants and a tank top, grabbed my binder full of poetry and plopped down in the middle of my living room floor, and tried to find where that girl went.

I went directly to March 2000, and started reading there. That was when my life changed, when everything started falling apart, and when I really realized what it meant to lean on God. I read through a few poems, cried a little bit at the memories, and then decided to distract myself by cleaning my dining room carpet.

It happens.

I fell in to bed later that night, and when I woke up this morning, I had this overwhelming surge of peace and happiness. Maybe joy really does come in the morning. Maybe someone touched God for me while I slept. Whatever the case may be, when I started my day today, whatever it was that was weighing me down and causing me to be discouraged, was gone.

I've got a lot to look forward to, a lot of things to hope for and be happy about, and ... that girl, wasn't hard to find at all.