...breaks your faith to pieces on the floor...

"Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can't make it come or go

But you are gone - not for good, but for now

Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good..."

This week started out with a few slender threads I'd rather not run with....

Loss.  Uncertainty.  Anxiety. Restlessness.

And it's only Tuesday.  

I feel like I've lived a month in the last few days.  I slept for about an hour on Sunday night.  Maybe 2 last night.  Delirium set in today around 2.  I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry...

And that's where I am right now.  I don't know if I should hang my head in my hands or just keep going...

One of my guys is leaving to go to a funeral.  A death in the family.  And I ache in my heart.  For so many reasons...

My sleeplessness has so much to do with this audit coming up at work next week.  It's not for certain that we will get audited.  It would be good if we did...we are a big job, and we do have the majority of the stuff they are going to be looking for.  But at the same time, I am worn OUT.  We had a mock audit back in August, and it was absolutely painful.  There was a hurricane at the same time, so the guys were gone trying to secure the site and I was left alone to make a feeble attempt at getting them what they wanted.  Pain.ful.  So now I am tossing and turning at night because my mind won't shut off because I am desperately trying to remember where everything is and what I need to do, and what I can't forget...

And even deeper in my heart is the uncertainty...the silence. The lack of connection. I just listened to "White Horse" by Taylor Swift, and I almost broke down and cried.  Almost.  But I think I'm too exhausted to.  I just. don't. know.  And it's hard.  And it's overshadowed by what's going on at work, and me losing sleep, and it hurts to even think about it...and I am trying so hard to stay positive and strong...  I keep replaying every word, and even when I try to stop it, I can't.  I'm searching for something that I did wrong, that I said wrong - and I'm coming up empty handed.  I just don't know.  There's always a reason, right?  I refuse to let go of hope...not until I get a solid reason to let go.

I'm uncomfortable....and that goes right back to searching for answers.  I know I'm not doing what I'm meant to be doing.  I love people, and I long to serve, to help others.  I want to make a difference.  And this....this is a stepping stone.  And I know that, and I am so grateful and blessed beyond measure to be where I am right now.  I'm just getting impatient.