and so i run…

I guess it happens to everyone who writes…this block that I can’t seem to get around.  Or maybe it’s just because I haven’t tried as hard because I’m afraid of what is going to come pouring out of this heart, out of these fingertips. 

Maybe all that it is…is me being afraid to face the things I keep hidden, all those things that I know I need to work on, all those things I KNOW I need to release.  And how sweet it will be to let them go…

Cause I know once I start writing, my heart takes over.

Even now, as I sit here trying to figure out where to start, I feel the urge to just walk away and not try to sort through it.  What a bad habit I started.

I heard a good sermon this morning, all about how we serve a giving God.  It was interesting to hear some of the pastor’s thoughts on how we tend to think of God as one who takes away - (it’s so easy to focus on the negative…) yet that isn’t the case.  We serve a God full of grace – and He gives.  He gives so that we may give and put His charity on display.  A thought I found most provoking was as the pastor was speaking to one of his colleagues about how we tend to see God as a taker, his partner said, “What is the most popular scripture in the world?”  I said aloud, “John 3:16”.  The pastor said, “God so loved the world….” and he trailed off.  His partner said, “What is next? ‘That he…’”

He gave.

Let the weight of that sink in for a moment.  So simple yet…

Flip over to Romans 8:32.  I prefer the Message version.

“If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?” (emphasis added).

Gladly and freely.  I love those 2 words in this context.  I can just imagine me asking God for something, and Him taking my face in His hands and saying, “Gladly, my child…”

Yet how often do I find myself praying for more?  Asking for more?  Asking for what I think I need or what I think I want?  What would happen if I started asking for His will again, for His armor, for His love?  Gladly…

I’ve been in such a stagnant state spiritually, and desperately want to move out of it.  I was in such a good place back in April, and then I ignored it.  I was letting God, with no fear, really do a work in me. 

Today, as I was driving, I was looking around at how beautiful the day was – the color of the trees contrasting with the baby blue of the sky, and just like that, I heard, “You worry too much, child.”

And wouldn’t you know it, the very same God who created me, who knew that I would become defensive immediately upon hearing that thought, then whispered, “I created you.  I knew you before you were in your  mother’s womb.  Why do you forget that? I made you like this so you would chase after me with those worries.”

I forgot how much I adored His abruptness, His authority to interrupt my very vain thoughts; His reminders in love.

Hebrews 11:6 says, “It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.”

He cares enough to respond.  How often I forget that I serve a giving God.  What a beautiful description of faith that is – we have to not only believe He exists, but that He cares enough to respond to us.  We can’t have one without the other.

I get it now.  I’ve been trying to have one without the other.

One more thing – before the service even started, one of the associate pastor’s had bowed his head to pray, and the first thing he did was thank God for being a “moment-making God.”

As he prayed, “Thank you for being a moment-making God, for taking any moment, any time, any place, and having the ability to turn it into something transforming…”

I let a few tears fall, unashamedly in that moment.

What a great big God we serve…

this is the day...

Not a cloud in the sky.

Today is one of those nearly perfect days in FL. There's a breeze, the sun is shining, it's 82 degrees.

I've been sitting on my back porch for the last hour, eating leftover's for lunch and reading "As You Were" when I text my BFF to see how her heart was today. She replied, "Better. Way better. Such a gorgeous day here...makes it impossible to be sad."

I didn't find it ironic that we were both reveling in the beauty of the day. It just made me miss her. She's in Minnesota, and I'm way down here in Florida, but to be honest...not a day goes by that we don't touch base with each other, and it always feels like we are right next door instead of a million miles apart.

I think that's a beautiful thing...to be able to be separated by millions of miles, but to be close in your heart and soul. She and I went about 5 years without seeing each other's faces, but we had kept in contact via phone and text and email and when I finally got to see her face this last trip home.....it was like we had never been apart, but we had been. It was sooooo amazing to finally be near her and hug her and talk to her, and nothing yet everything had changed.

That's why she will always be my BFF. Cause no matter where we are, we are close. That's true. That's real. I got tears in my eyes reading her words and it made me miss her, and it made me grateful for her being in my life all over again because I know no matter what, she's always there for me.

And I love that.

i attacked it

So yesterday, one of the guys was at my desk working on adjusting some info in PDC, and I was sitting in the chair across from my desk. We somehow got on the topic of running, and I asked if he was doing the 5k in a few weeks, and he said no. He then reminded me that he was the cross country captain in high school, and I asked him if he actually got joy out of running. He said yes, and that he used to get a buzz from running.

I think it's all mental, but I don't really like running, per se. I do it. When I'm playing basketball, or flag football, or any other activity that might require one to run, but I don't just run to run for kicks and giggs.

I realized what he meant last night when I was at the gym. I met up with one of the girls that I used to work with, and she came to Latin with me.

Something was different last night. And I liked it. I. attacked. it.

Pretty excited - Sunday from 2-4 they are doing a special Latin/Zumba class. I.will.attack.that.

I need time away. I need to A. Win the lottery stat, and B. have my own plane so I can fly wherever I want, whenever I want. Or buy a camaro. And then drive wherever I want. Yahhhh.

I wish there was an off switch for my brain. And I wish I could teleport. I wouldn't be sitting here in this office, that's for sure. I'm thinking either a quaint little cabin in the woods on a lake to include some hiking and frolicing through fields of flowers, or a quaint little cottage on a beach to include a cabana and a sailboat and walks on the beach. And to include a certain boy....

Immediately.

Thanks.

workin hard orrrrrrrr.....

My Kait got home last night. YAY! I got home from work and did an ab work out, and figured I wouldn't see her face until about 5:30-ish. I was in my bathroom when I heard the door open and I heard her voice, and I went running around the corner and right into her arms. Of course, I screamed like a girl, and we did the whole pick-up-spin-around hug.

I love her. :) WOO! I slept really good last night, too. I think part of it was knowing she was at home safe and sound.

My phone rang last night - it was young Evan. He was driving the truck back from Asheville this weekend, and Josh was supposed to pick him up and bring him to the airport this morning. Young Kosmac was freaking out because Joshua was not answering his phone, and I assumed my role as the middle-man as per usual. :)

"Karen, have you talked to Josh?!"

I laughed. "Um, nooo....why?"

"Because he is supposed to take me to the airport in the morning. Did you talk to him at all today?!"

"Yeah, he said he was going to pick you up, but you better call and remind him because he said he might forget."

"I did try to call him, Karen. He isn't answering. Eeeeee."

Sometimes, Evan is dramatic. And by sometimes, I mean all the time.

"Evan, call him back and leave him a message. He is probably taking care of his son or hanging out with his wife or drinking beer or something important like that. He won't forget you, dude. Just call him back."

Evan calmed down. A little. Then he said he'd see me in the morning followed by, "Thisconversationisoverbye."

Never fails.

I heard Josh and Evan on the elevator this morning and I got all excited because it was just like old times. I went running around the corner and screamed like a girl and flew into his arms. Apparently, this is a trend.

"Calm DOWN, Karen."

Typical. :) Also typical, Evan waited until approximately 41 minutes before his flight departed to check in online, and when I tried to get him checked in (yep, because once I'm your admin, I'm always your admin) it said, "Your flight has already departed."

I. could. not. stop. laughing.

In typical dramatic Evan fashion, he ran around the office and gathered his stuff and ran upstairs without grabbing his confirmation number.

I waited for my phone to ring.

5 minutes later:

"Karen, what's my confirmation number?! Hurrrrrrrry."

I gave it to him.

"Okthanksgottagobye."

Our little trainwreck. :)

Ew. Time for a staff meeting.

I would also like to advise on the status of 409's office floor slideability today.

AWESOME. I've had 3 realllllly good slides in there already today. I'm talking "Risky Business" slideability.

Alllllllllllllllll in a days work. ;)

this journey...

So, I'm working on my bucket list. I started one a few months back, but it was pretty lame. I'm doing a revision.

My right eye won't stop twitching today. I think I read once that it has to do with caffeine or stress or lack of sleep or something like that. Whatever. It's annoying.

So last night I was laying in my bed trying to fall asleep. It was pretty late, and I should have passed right out, but instead, I just layed there. I tossed and turned and tried to get in a comfortable position, but something was nagging me. Sometimes I think it's where I live...I've never been really happy living there, but now that I've lived there for so long, it just sort of works. I'm also in a position where I can't really make a move until I know for sure what is going to be happening with my job in the next 6 months or so. It wouldn't make any sense to break my lease and sign a new one when I have no idea where I am going to be.

So I switched positions again, and this overwhelming urge to cry out to God swept over me almost exactly as it had a few nights ago. Except this time, the urgency I felt was different. I don't know how to explain it exactly...

When I get frustrated, I cry.

And I was frustrated in that moment. And I let that frustration fuel me. I let it course through my veins and when the tears came, I let them go. I really let them go.

I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I was frustrated. It made me think about a scripture...something about the flood of my tears....

Which made me more frustrated that I was frustrated and that I was crying. I finally opened my mouth and said it. I told God I was frustrated. That I didn't understand what was going on. And that's all I could say....that I didn't understand. Between my tears, I just kept saying, "I don't understand..."

"But I do."

I don't understand, but You do.

And then I prayed.

I woke up this morning and I realized that something was happening. My attention was being caught and it wasn't coincidence. I knew better than to believe in coincidence.

I also know that what's happening is right...and despite being tired and worn out, despite the tears, it's okay. He's trying to catch me.

My BFF just text me and said the most amazing thing. When I told her that I've been doing so much thinking and I didn't know what else to do but to turn it over...she said, "And I think that's such a genuine, perfect place to be. He just wants to know you still want Him there next to you."

Beautiful.

And how humbling is that? It brought tears to my eyes to think of Jesus standing before me and looking me in the eye and saying, "Do you still want me to stand next to you?"

Of course I do.

Of course I do.

grace

It's kind of gray out today. So much for the "partly sunny" day...I see no sun. Not partly, at least.

When I was in the shower this morning, I was going over my to do list for the day. Grocery shopping, ab work out, clean the living room carpets, laundry, clean, wash the car, get gas, Bristol race, relax. I've done 2 things off of that list. I ran to Publix this morning and restocked on the necessary items, and I'm currently doing laundry while watching the race. When it's gray out like this, I always want to put on sweatpants and pretend its freezing cold out and seek shelter in the comfort of my home. It's hasn't really been gray on the weekends lately, so I think I'm just taking advantage of it.

So I was leaning against the wall between my living room and bedroom, just looking around my place, trying to figure out what I wanted to do next, when I looked down at this basket that has a few books in it that sits on my end table by my couch. I grabbed "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller out of the basket and cracked it open to where I left off last time. A few pages in, I got to this paragraph:

"Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love."

Thanks, God. :)

See previous blog.

"...everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith somehow..."

A few nights ago I walked into my room and was making my way to the windows to close the blinds, when I was halted and fell to my knees.

I hung my head, amazed at how I couldn't even take another step without dropping to my knees first.

And that's when the tears fell.

I couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around what it was that I was feeling - all I knew was that if I didn't stop and turn it over, it would eat me alive. A thought had crossed my mind earlier that evening, and instead of just letting it pass, my ego decided that it should hang on to it and keep flashing it across my brain as if the thought were of my own creation, when it wasn't at all.

The mind is a funny thing.

As I was on my knees, one thought occured to me as I sat there with my head hanging and tears falling.... "Where did that girl go?" I just sat there and cried. In a matter of seconds, the last 10 years of my life seemed to flash before my eyes and it was like I was watching the fall of myself. All of those negative things that I was told suddenly came back into my mind... Where did that girl go that used to rush to His feet to lay it down and actually LEAVE it there, believing in faith that He was in complete control? Where did she go? "Lean not on your own understanding. Lean not...lean not...lean not...." It kept repeating in my head. What scripture was that?

I eventually got back on my feet. And the questions started whirring around in my brain. How did I let things go back then? Do I even remember how to do it now? Why did I even let those thoughts come into my brain? How did they even get there? What was going on that was causing my heart to feel so heavy?

I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the picture that is in my bookcase and I felt the tears still streaming down my face...you don't deserve any of this happiness. You don't deserve anything. What makes you think you are good enough? You're not. You don't. You don't.

I shook my head. No.

Where did that girl go?

Then I felt in my heart, "Proverbs." Oh. Ok. So I grabbed my Bible. I wiped the tears haphazardly from my face, and sat down. Sooo...... Proverbs? I started thumbing through the chapters and read verses here and there but I had no idea why I was there.

Eventually it hit me out of nowhere....Proverbs 3:5-6.

More tears. I don't deserve this. How is that He is so good to me?

I got to the chapter and read the verses:
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track."

I'm notorious for trying to figure things out on my own. And God knows that. I reread those words again and again. I spent the rest of the night contemplating and throwing questions out, and tears kept coming, and I begged for some sort of release.

At some point in the night, I must have finally fallen asleep. I woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off and I laid there and gazed up at my ceiling with zero desire to get out of my bed. But, I realized it was Friday, it would be a relatively easy day at work, and then I had the weekend ahead of me to look forward to. Somehow, I made it through my morning routine and made my way to OIA.

I was sitting at my desk at work that morning when an email popped up from a friend back home - she has known me since I was 8 years old, my parents and hers are best friends, and they are more like family to us than anything. I hadn't heard from her in months. Her and her hubby and kids were on their way down to Orlando, and she was asking a few questions about things, how I was doing, etc. So I'm reading, and I get to the last line of her email which says, "You deserve all the happiness in the world!"

God is amazing. I do, don't I?

I went through the rest of the day trying to get my heart and my soul to grasp back on to the truth that I do deserve the best, that I do deserve happiness. Isn't it crazy that in one instant....in a mess of negative thoughts, the grip I had on everything started slipping? I wasn't going to have it. I knew I'd get over whatever this was, but man, I was struggling...

At the end of the day, I gathered my stuff and was heading out the door when the guys said they were headed upstairs to Fox Sports to get a few drinks and unwind. "You stickin around, Gorbett?"

Why not?

We were laughing and sharing stories and cheers'd to never leaving the airport. I was leaned back in my chair people watching and was kind of removed from the conversation the guys were having...they were talking about drains and ladders and steel and I zoned out.

I saw his ACU's out of the corner of my eye, and I watched as he made his way to the bar and took a seat next to a gentleman already sitting there. Of course, in that moment, my thoughts went halfway around the world, and a smile played on my lips...which didn't go unnoticed. Josh punched my arm, "Hey doucher, where are you?"

"Right here Josh! Hangin out!" He patted my shoulder and just smiled. He's good like that.

They returned to their conversation which now had turned to guns and Poppy's newest tater gun that he just finished. The soldier at the bar overheard their loud mouths and made his way over to our table and talked guns with them for awhile. I ordered him a shot, and he expressed his thanks and pulled up a chair. He asked us what we did, he looked at all of our shirts and realized we worked for a construction company and wanted to know how I fit in the mix with these guys. Of course, all the guys start chiming in and giving their opinions about how I fit in, and he just looked at me and laughed...."And you look so sweet and innocent!" We all got rowdy and loud and tossed stories back and forth, he took a double shot of whiskey, and headed off to catch his flight. I told him I appreciated his service and wished him safe travels, and the guys got all manly and started doing fist bumps and high fives and handshakes and patted him on the back as well. Another round, and then I headed home.

I changed out of my work clothes into some comfy pants and a tank top, grabbed my binder full of poetry and plopped down in the middle of my living room floor, and tried to find where that girl went.

I went directly to March 2000, and started reading there. That was when my life changed, when everything started falling apart, and when I really realized what it meant to lean on God. I read through a few poems, cried a little bit at the memories, and then decided to distract myself by cleaning my dining room carpet.

It happens.

I fell in to bed later that night, and when I woke up this morning, I had this overwhelming surge of peace and happiness. Maybe joy really does come in the morning. Maybe someone touched God for me while I slept. Whatever the case may be, when I started my day today, whatever it was that was weighing me down and causing me to be discouraged, was gone.

I've got a lot to look forward to, a lot of things to hope for and be happy about, and ... that girl, wasn't hard to find at all.